


After the War

by Wizard_of_Ozzie



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV), Superman/Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Love rectangle, Rogues v. Rogues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-08-20 20:06:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16562324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wizard_of_Ozzie/pseuds/Wizard_of_Ozzie
Summary: This is a tale of Gotham’s villains.  Their lives, their loves; the ways they have fun when the Bat isn’t looking.This tale is also a sequel to The War of Jokes and Riddles.  The epic Batman tale of the war between the Joker and the Riddler that brought Gotham City to its knees.  All of Gotham’s Rogues were forced to choose a side.  And some of them were not happy about it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You can skip these notes if you’ve already read the comic book series, The War of Jokes and Riddles. If you haven’t, the following notes will get you up to speed. 
> 
> "Mercy! Mercy!" The Riddler screams, as Batman pummels him in to submission. Batman stops and the Riddler gives him a cocky smile. The Riddler finally tells Batman he started the war and why. Why his city was in ruins. Why thousands had been injured. Why hundreds had to die. All to solve a riddle…all to make the Joker laugh again. The Riddler had played him. The Riddler convinced Batman to help him win the war. Batman had been led to believe the Joker started the war, but the Riddler had engineered it all. Hearing the truth, hits Batman like a slap to the face and he snaps.
> 
> Batman snatches a blood stained dagger off the Joker’s desk. Batman knows only one thing… the Riddler needs to die. He strikes out, the blade’s lethal tip aimed at the Riddler’s thoat. His intention is not to threaten, not to wound; but to kill. With unbelievable speed, the Joker’s hand rises between the two men. The blade plunges into Joker’s palm, going straight through; stopping near the dagger’s hilt. The Joker looks at his hand and the knife speared through it. He laughs for the first time in months. His laughter echoes throughout the room; loud, raucous, demented cackles.

Chapter 1

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Batman’s been the Caped Crusader for less than two years and is shaken to his core by how close he came to taking a life. He fears the darkness inside him is growing, transforming him into something no better than the villains he hunts. Inexperienced and overwhelmed by self-doubt, Batman flees the scene, leaving the Riddler and the Joker alone to resolve their differences…

The Joker and the Riddler watch, as Batman shoots his grappling hook from the skyscraper’s shattered window, exiting the building and leaving Gotham’s most dangerous duo the only men left standing in the penthouse office _._

“How rude.  He didn’t even say goodbye.”  Joker cracks with mock indignation. 

_I can’t believe it!  He left without arresting us!_   The Riddler muses, grinning broadly.  _I think I broke the Bat!_

“Did you see the look on his face when you blocked his blade?”  Eddie chortles, leaning out the window. “It was priceless!” 

“Oh yes!”  Joker replies, laughing so hard he’s barely able to get out the words.  “His jaw…that strong, firm, chiseled jaw…dropped like a rock.”  Riddler glances over at the wildly cackling Joker.  Batman’s knife is still impaled in his palm; his blood pulsing from the wound, spattering the floor.

“This is going to hurt.”  Riddler remarks nonchalantly, as he abruptly grabs Joker’s wrist and yanks the dagger from his hand.  Eddie shoves the blade into his belt and whips a handkerchief from his pocket. The Joker’s uproarious fit of laughter subsides into a soft, dark chuckle, as he allows his rival to tie the cloth around the wound.  His eyes widen a tad, as he notes the gentleness of Riddler’s touch.   “You were lucky.  It was a clean cut, right between the metacarpal.”  Riddler adds, as he finishes wrapping the seeping gash.

“It wasn’t luck.  It was skill.”  Joker proclaims, snatching his hand from Eddie’s uncomfortably tender grasp.  “I merely observed the angle of the Bat’s thrust before I blocked it.”   

“Yeah, right.” Riddler smirks, rolling his eyes.  Ed is silent and contemplative for a moment, before mumbling.  “Thanks.”

“Huh? Did you say something?”  Joker asks with an air of innocence his wide smile betrays.   Riddler grimaces and takes a deep breath before responding.

“I said thanks.  Thanks for saving my life.”  Ed hisses through clenched teeth.

“De nada.”  The Joker replies with a dismissive flick of his wrist.  “It wasn’t about you anyway.” 

“Of course not.  It was about your obsessive fixation with the Bat.  The Bat that I, **_and_ _only I_** , was able to manipulate into breaking his cherished code against killing.  YES, I succeeded where **_you_** ,” Riddler taunts, poking his finger in Joker’s chest. “Where you **_failed_**.”   The Joker’s eyes narrow, as his smile widens.  There is a blur of movement and a pistol is pointed at Riddler’s head. 

“Knock, knock.”  Joker sniggers, tapping the barrel of his gun against Ed’s temple.  Ed sighs wearily before responding.

“Who’s there?”

“Boo.”

“Boo who?”

“Crying won’t s-save y-you.”  Joker slurs, as his body sways back and forth erratically.  The room swirls around him.  The sunlight pouring through the windows, suddenly, blindingly bright.  He falls to his knees with a hard thump.  The Riddler grins, kicking the gun from his enemy’s hand.  “Wh-what th—??”  Joker rasps, now on all fours and struggling fiercely not to fall flat on his face.  He looks up at Riddler, his entire body trembling from the exertion.  His lips twitch soundlessly, as he tries to speak. 

“Huh?  Did you say something?”  Eddie mocks, squatting down to Joker’s level and cupping his ear.  Joker, still on his hands and knees, sways slightly, saying nothing.  Eddie leans closer, placing a hand on Joker’s shoulder. “Why aren’t you laughing now?”  The Riddler teases, grinning from ear-to-ear.  “This is the funniest part.”  The Joker casts him a baleful glance and headbutts Riddler, knocking him to the floor.   He scrambles up the downed man’s body, grabbing him by the neck.  Eddie’s eyes bulge from their sockets, the hands around his throat tightening, stealing his breath.  But the surge of defiance appears to sap what little strength the Joker had left, his fingers twitch uselessly, and he falls face forward on top of the Riddler.  Eddie quickly scoots from under him, jumping to his feet.  Riddler pants, his heart racing, as he stares down at the convulsing clown on the floor. 

“Damn it, how are you still alive!”  Riddler rages.  “There was enough poison on my hankie to drop a rhino.”   Eddie lifts his discarded kite from the floor.  “Doesn’t matter.  He’ll be dead soon enough.”  Riddler mumbles under his breath, as he straps on the kite.  He walks triumphantly to the window, enjoying the soft caress of the wind rippling through his hair.  The skyline of Gotham, _his city_ , resplendent across the horizon before him.  He glances back at the Joker, sprawled, motionless on the floor.  “What is a man when you chop off his ankles?”  Eddie riddles his horizontal foe.  He waits a beat before adding.  “Give up?  De-feeted. Just. Like. You.”  Eddie burst into laughter, as he turns and leaps from the window.

Hearing Ed’s words, Joker lifts his head, the minute movement agonizingly slow.  He looks up in time to see the Riddler jump.  His face twisted in anger, Joker growls.  “Game on!”  And everything goes black.

 

Two days later…

Riddler walks through Robinson Park admiring (despite himself) its lush vegetation, bountiful blossoms, and soft sweet fragrances.   Never a huge fan of Mother Nature, Eddie can’t help but marvel at the beauty of the park’s central garden.  The intoxicating profusion of flora and fauna mean one thing…Poison Ivy was nearby.

 “I know you know I’m here.  Where are you?”  Riddler shouts, glancing at his watch and looking around the garden.  A tall hedge rustles and parts, as Ivy steps into view.  Ed’s body grows warm, just seeing her.  She is the epitome of everything he desires in a woman.  Long-limbed, lithe, and statuesque; she moves with a casual grace he finds captivating. 

Memories of her naked and moaning beneath him, rise, unbidden, to his mind.  Making love to her was sublime, beyond any sexual experience he had ever known.  It had been one of the most magnificent nights of his life.  But that’s all it had been—a one-night stand.  Ivy had made that abundantly clear.  But the Riddler was the master of the long game and he was sure she would one day truly be his. She is the ultimate trophy woman.  With her on his arm, he will be the envy of every man in Gotham and all will finally acknowledge his superiority.  _I can’t wait to see the expression on her face when she finds out that I have vanquished the Joker and taken my rightful place as Gotham’s premier villain._ Eddie anticipates with delight. 

“Riddler.”  Ivy purrs, walking closer and gently placing a hand on his chest.  Her touch, like static electricity, gives him a subtle jolt.  His reaction surprises him.  The serum he took should be strong enough to make him immune to her powerful pheromone blast. Determined not to let her know she’s getting under his skin, the Riddler gives her his most dazzling smile.

“Hiya, beautiful.  I got your message.”  He says, placing his hand over hers.  “Now, tell me why you wanted to see me.” 

“But Nygma, I’m not the one that wanted to see you.”  Ivy replies, withdrawing her hand and taking a step back.   The Riddler, feeling something cool, looks down at his feet.  His mouth falls open, as he sees the smooth, sinewy vines encircling his ankles and slithering up his legs.  He tries to move but isn’t surprised to find himself rooted to spot. 

“What the hell—” Riddler sputters, his outburst interrupted by the loud sound of rustling leaves and snapping branches from the hedge.  He recognizes the maniacal cackling, a second before the Joker bursts from the dense shrubbery.  “You’re alive?”  Eddie gasps, his voice little more than a whisper.   

“Hmm, let me see.”  Joker says, placing his fingertips on his wrist and checking his pulse. “Yes, I am!”  Joker mirthfully announces, his wolfish smile bright and gleaming, his eyes alight with a chilling mixture of merriment and malice.

“YOU SET ME UP!”  Ed screams at Ivy, as she walks to Joker’s side, wrapping her arm around his.

“You double-crossed me first!”  Ivy sneers.  “Teaming up with Batman and giving me that booby trapped kite to wear.  I ended up in Arkham Asylum and you walked away scot free!”

“No, it wasn’t like that!  I—I didn’t know.  IT WAS KITEMAN!”   He insists, struggling against the iron grip of the vines enveloping his torso and pinning his arms to his sides.  “BATMAN TRIED TO KILL ME!” 

“Well riddle me this Ed,”  Ivy taunts, hands on her hips.  “If Batman tried to kill you, why aren’t you dead?”

“Joker saved me!” Ed cringes at his own words, knowing how ridiculous they sound.  Ivy sighs heavily, looking down and slowly shaking her head.  The Joker chuckles, strutting over to the Riddler with a cocky swagger.  He looks Ed up and down, a mischievous glint in his eyes, as he tilts his head to the side.

“Tsk tsk tsk.” Joker tuts, wagging a finger in the Riddler’s face.  “That’s the best your **_brilliant_** **_mind_** could come up with?  Kinda far-fetched don’t ya think?”  Joker scoffs, eyebrows raised.  “You really shouldn’t insult Miss Isley’s intelligence like that.”

“It’s the truth and I can prove it!”  Riddler pleads, looking at Ivy.  Ed’s eyes widen, as Joker pulls a hankie from his pocket.  The once white cotton square is stiff with dried blood. 

“Remember this?” Joker jibes, waving the toxin-soaked cloth in Riddler’s face.  “Just the thing to plug your lying trap.”  Joker jeers, shoving the filthy rag into Riddler’s mouth.  Ivy looks on, a smug smile gracing her beautiful face.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

Ivy couldn’t help but notice the look of hurt and betrayal writ large across the Riddler’s face.  A twinge of guilt tugs at her gut _.  Don’t waste any pity on that lying bastard._ She tells herself. _I took his side in the war and all I got for my trouble was a knife in the back.  Remember, he doesn’t trust me either.  If he did, he wouldn’t have come here using a pheromone-blocker.  He’s hiding something._

“Well gentlemen, it’s been a blast, but I gotta run.”  Ivy says.  “You boys have fun.”  She gives them a quick wave and walks away, disappearing into the abundant plant life that ringed the central garden. 

“Nmoo Auaay!”  Riddler calls out, his words unintelligible through the rag stuffed in his mouth.  The Riddler recognizes the coppery taste in his mouth.  _YUCK_ _blood!  Damn, I hope there isn’t any broken skin in my mouth.  If the poison on my hankie gets into my bloodstream, I’ll be a goner._   _Hell, I should be worried about Joker’s blood on this rag, there’s no tellin’ what crazy cooties I’ll catch from that._ Ed silently frets.

“Shame she had to go.  I do so love an audience.”  Joker sighs, watching her leave.  “Well, I guess we’ll just have to find a way to entertain ourselves.”  He adds, turning back to the Riddler.  Joker lifts his hand and there is a smooth click, as his switchblade pops open.  Riddler struggles against the vines, as he stares at the knife, its stainless-steel blade glistening in the sunlight.   “Hmm, where shall I begin.”  Joker ponders aloud, as he slides the dull side of blade down the length of Riddler’s cheek, the contact as soft as a caress.  He stares into the Riddler’s eyes, annoyed by the lack of fear he finds there.  “Tell me Ed, how long does it take a man to bleed out after you cut off his balls.”  The Riddler rolls his eyes in reply.  “Silly me, asking you a question like that.  Everybody knows, you never had any balls.”  Joker sneers.  “Mercy Batman. Mercy!  Please don’t hit me again!” Joker cries in a high-pitched, baby-voiced mockery of Riddler’s words in the penthouse.  

“UUUU OOO!”  The Riddler yells defiantly through his gag. 

“I have no idea what you said, but I do know, I DON’T LIKE YOUR TONE OF VOICE!” Joker yells, as he plunges his knife into Ed’s abdomen, determined to see terror exploding in those hard, hazel orbs.

Fortunately for Ed, the Joker’s impulsive, anger-fueled thrust hits one of the robust vines encircling his torso, missing its mark and merely grazing Ed’s belly.  Nonetheless, the Joker is pleased to see blood seeping.  Ed is breathing hard, but the cold look in his glaring eyes is even harder. 

“You’re putting up a brave front, but that won’t last once I really get started.”  The Joker says, watching the blood trickle from the thin, shallow line he’d cut across Ed’s gut.  His tongue slides lightly over his upper lip, like a child seeing a treat. “I’m going to take my time with you.”  He says, his voice soft yet bubbling with anticipation.  “I’m going enjoy listening to your terrified, pain-wracked screams, as I slowly, patiently rip you to shreds.”  He pulls the hankie from Ed’s mouth.

“FUCK YOU!”  Riddler shouts again, his words clear and unmistakable the second time around.  “You’re the ball-less coward.  If you weren’t, you’d remove these vines and face me in a fair fight.”

“You twit.  When have I ever fought fair?”  The Joker laughs.  “You’re the one with the perverted sense of right and wrong.  That’s why you leave those ridiculous riddles.  Do you seriously think your puerile puzzles somehow absolve you of guilt for your crimes?   ** _FOOL!_** ”  The Joker’s grin widens, as he sees a fresh flash of anger bloom in the Riddler’s eyes.  The Joker lifts his hand, holding his knife high, planning his next strike more carefully. 

Joker’s lips contort into an ‘0’, as his arm is jerked back, and he spies the leather whip lashed around his wrist.  He turns, facing the whip-wielding woman in black, as she walks into the clearing. 

“Catwoman!”  Joker snarls, grabbing the whip’s cord and giving it a full-bodied tug.  Selena lets the whip go, a serene smile on her face, as Joker falls backward, his butt landing with a splat on a patch of wet grass, his knife falling from his grasp, as he reaches out to catch himself.  Before he can rise, a profusion of vines leaps from the earth, entwining his body.   The Joker struggles against the marauding plants, but the more he squirms, the tighter they get.  His eyes dart around franticly, looking for the fallen knife.  What he sees instead is a posse of rouges walking into view.  He silently notes their names. _Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Two Face, and the fat dude._   _What’s his name again?_   _Uh, Penguin, yeah that’s it.  I handed that fat creep a huge chunk of the upper west side operation on a silver platter—and this is how he repays me.  I’m gonna skin that rotund rat alive, then fry his fat ass with a blow torch until it pops, sizzles, and runs down his legs_. Joker promises himself, as he glares at the group.

“Ivy!  You came back!”  Ed exclaims, relief flooding his words.  “Come on, let me outta this.”

“We’re through taking orders from you two.”  Penguin announces.  The entire group either nods or grunts in agreement.

“We’ve all had enough of playing pawns in your petty pissing contest.”  Two Face chimes in.  “Hell, you’ve run this town into the ground!  Nobody’s making money anymore!” 

“The casinos have closed, the brothels are empty…Hell, even the junkies are too afraid to come out and score a fix!”  Penguin says, counting off the losses on his fingers.

“Yeah, and try being a burglar when nobody ever leaves their house!” Catwoman adds.

“And what about all my babies that have been trampled, blown up, or snatched from their roots from all the battles in my park.”  Ivy says, her voice almost breaking.

“Maybe the two of you should just whip ‘em out.   We’ll see who’s the biggest and that will be the end of that.”  Mr. Freeze coolly suggests.

“That won’t be necessary.”  Joker drawls.  “Just ask Ivy.  She knows us both **_very_** well.”   Ed and Selena turn to Ivy, agape.

“Don’t look at me like that!”  Ivy whines.  “It was just a science project.  I needed samples of their semen to figure out how they were immune to my pheromones.”

“Did you get Batman’s semen, too?”  Selena asks angrily.   Ivy vigorously shakes her head.

“I’ll give you a sample.”  Two Face interjects, raising his hand.

“Whoa!  Whoa!  What is going on with you guys!”  Penguin squawks loudly.  “We didn’t come here to discuss who’s fornicating who.”

“Aww, you’re just jealous because you’re not getting any.”  Joker snarks.

“As I was saying,”  Penguin continues, throwing the Joker a dirty look.  “we’re here to let Mr. Giggles and Puzzle Puss over there know this city-wide war is over. Done.  Fini.”  

“But knowing the two of you probably still have differences to resolve, we’re gonna give you a chance to do just that...one-on-one.”  Catwoman says, flamboyantly raising her arms into the air.  “Cage Match Extraordinaire!”

“And we’re selling tickets!”  Two Face announces.  “In person ringside and live pay-per-view streaming.” 

“It’s time to start making money again!” Penguin sings, gleefully rubbing his palms together. 

“Really?  You expect us to put on a show for you.”  The Riddler sneers. “Hmph!”

“Don’t worry Eddie, it won’t just be for show.”  The Joker adds with an extra-large grin.

“That’s the spirit!”  Penguin says.  He turns to Mr. Freeze.  “Victor, I think our headliners need a little chill time to prepare for the big event.”

“Works for me.”  Victor replies, as he begins spraying freeze gas on Joker and Riddler.  The startled expressions on both men’s faces are soon immortalized in sparkling, translucent, life-size ice sculptures.

 

 

Sometime later in a windowless room with no doors…

 

 _Where am I?_  Is the first thought that pops into the Joker’s head, as he opens his eyes and sees the cobweb laced, dingy, gray ceiling above him.  He abruptly sits up on his cot, annoyed by stiffness that has settled in his joints.  _I’m going to kill Victor Fries._  Is his next thought.   But all those thoughts flee his mind as he sees the second cot across the room from him, less than fifteen feet away. 

“Riddler.”  He says, his voice a low growl.  He stares at his sleeping foe.  Like him, Riddler is barefoot and naked, save for the thin paper hospital gowns they’re both wearing.  The Riddler is curled up on his cot like a baby, his pink butt cheeks peeking out between the opening in the back of his gown.

 _I wonder how far I can stick my foot up his ass._ Joker muses, a deep chuckle rumbling in the back of his throat.  _Too bad they took my knife.  Doesn’t matter, I’ll tear him apart with my bare hands if I need to._   Joker thinks, as he walks toward the other cot.  He makes it halfway across the room— ** _BOOMP!_**   The Joker grabs his nose, confusion painting his face, as he wonders. _What the hell did I just hit?_ He reaches out, slowly extending his hand until it stops, meeting a solid, but unseen barrier.  He presses against the invisible wall with both palms outstretched, but he can’t push through.  He removes his hands and is intrigued to see two ghostly handprints hanging in the air where his hands had been.  The prints quickly disappear, like breath on a mirror.  Not a man that gives up easily, the Joker walks back a yard or two and rushes forward like a linebacker going for a tackle block.  He feels his teeth rattle, as his shoulder slams into the barrier and his entire body bounces back.  His brow knit and lips a hard line, the Joker frantically begins slapping all over the barrier looking for an opening.

The Riddler rolls over on his cot, his eyes fluttering open.  He sees the Joker squatting, in the middle of their cell, doing what looks like a ‘mime in a box’ routine.  _Looks like clown boy is losing it._ The Riddler muses with a smirk.  _Hell, that train left the station long ago._ Eddie sits up, catching the Joker’s attention.  The Joker stops what he’s doing and stands up.  The Riddler jumps to his feet, expecting the Joker to charge at him any second.  He assumes a fighter’s stance, fists held high.  The Joker throws his head back and laughs, slapping his knees.  _He’s laughing at me!_  The Riddler snarls, snatching the thin, flimsy mattress from his cot and flinging it at the crazy clown like a giant frisbee.  The mattress sails across the room and Ed’s mouth falls open, as the mattress hits the barrier and slides down to the floor only inches from the Joker’s feet.  The Joker laughs even louder, grabbing his belly.   Riddler ignores him, his interest drawn to the mattress, half of it lying flat on the ground, while the other end is inextricably standing in the air, perpendicular to the floor.   The Riddler cautiously walks toward it, watching Joker out of the corner of his eye.

“Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants come and get me.”  The Joker taunts, doing a chest bump against the barrier.  Ed notes how the fabric of Joker’s gown creases as it makes contact with the invisible wall.

“Do it again.” Riddler says, pointing to the right. “Over there.”  The Joker’s eyes narrow, as he studies Ed’s face.  It’s almost as if he could see the gears turning in the other man’s head.   He moves where Riddler asked and does another chest bump.  He looks to the Riddler, eyebrows raised, but Riddler is slowly sliding a hand across the barrier, silently observing the faint trail left behind his moving palm.   The Riddler then lays an ear on the barrier and thumps it on the right, left, up and down.  A smug smile crosses Riddler’s face.  He’s seen this tech before and knows how to hack it, but now is not the time.  The Riddler picks up his mattress and tosses it back on his cot.  He flops down on the mattress, hands under his head, legs outstretched, and ankles crossed.

“What?  You’re giving up?” Joker asks nonchalantly.  Riddler merely shrugs in reply.  “Hmm, so there’s a puzzle the Riddler can’t solve.  Frankly, I’m not surprised.  The truth is you’re not really all that smart. Your obsessive quest, to prove your superiority, is no more than a pathetic attempt to silence that little voice in your own head.  The one that tells you how insignificant you truly are.”  The Joker flatly explains.  Hoping the Riddler will take the bait and show his hand. 

Eddie draws in a shaky breath, but quickly puts on his game face, sitting up and facing Joker.   _You think you can play mind games with me, but I’m better at it than you are._   Ed tells himself, with a tight smile.

“Perhaps you’re merely projecting your own inadequacies on me.”  The Riddler replies, his tone clinical and detached “You’re obsessed with goading Batman into killing you because you know you don’t deserve to live.  You stood by, weak and useless, as your wife and child died.  You want to blame the random whims of fate and the utter absurdity of life.  But you know who’s really responsible, don’t cha Jack?”

 

Meanwhile in the video surveillance room…

“Man, this some good stuff.”  Selena says, her eyes glued to the monitor displaying the video feed from the cell. “I hope you guys are taping this.”

“Yeah, you should get this.  We can make this part of the pre-fight show.”  Two Face says.

“Seriously, none of you know what the little red dot at the bottom of the screen means.”  Penguin sighs, slowly shaking his head.  When no one replies, he adds.  “Yes, I’m taping it.”

“Mistah J had a wife and kid?”  Harley Quinn asks, her voice a barely above a whisper.

“Who knows.”  Ivy answers.  “Why do you care anyway?  That creepy clown left you to rot in Arkham with the three broken ribs he gave you.”

“I don’t care!” Harley snorted, tossing her head and crossing her arms.  “I’m over him.  For real, this time.”

Penguin shot a glance at Harley, thinking.  _The lady doth protest too much.  Better keep an eye on that one._

“I dunno, but I think Riddler might have hit a nerve.”  Selena says. “Look at Joker’s eyes.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 

Back in the windowless cell with no door…

 

The Joker charges forward, pounding his fists against the unseen partition between them.  The Riddler’s words had filled him with a vague sense of loss, evoking the hint of a memory, long-buried and hidden away.  It scratches at the edge of his consciousness, seeking to burrow in like some foul, insidious worm.  Instinctively, the Joker pushes the unwelcome thoughts away.  Instead he focuses on the enemy in his midst.

“OPEN THIS NOW!” The Joker screams, his eyes shining with rage.  _Or are those tears?_ Ed wonders, as he carefully studies the Joker’s face.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”  The Riddler calmly asks.  “I thought you liked an audience for your asinine antics.”

“What makes you think we don’t already have one.”  The Joker smirks, glancing up at one of the grayish glass domes, no bigger than a contact lens, in the ceiling.   The Riddler looks up, following his gaze.  Ed frowns, mildly unnerved that he hadn’t noticed the four cameras strategically placed across the ceiling.   While the Riddler peers upward, the Joker blinks and quickly wipes his eyes.   Ed positions himself in view of one the cameras.

“IVY!”  He shouts. “I know what I said sounded crazy, but it’s the truth.  I didn’t betray you!”                                                                                        

“Oh God!”  The Joker groans.  “Is it possible for you to be more pussy-whipped?”  Ed ignores him and continues facing the camera.

“I’d never betray you Ivy.”  Ed solemnly says, his eyes imploring, as they gaze into the camera.  “No matter what happens to me, remember that.”   

 

Back in the surveillance room…

 

“Gee Red, you musta really rocked his world.”  Harley says, nudging Ivy in the ribs.  Ivy sighs loudly.

“That manipulative bastard would say anything, if he thinks it’ll get him out of a jam.”  Ivy replies, pursing her lips into a thin line.

“Yeah, he’ll be beaten to a pulp like jam by the time my Puddin’ is through with him.”  Harley laughs, slapping her hands together with a splat.  Ivy gasps, grabbing Harley’s arm and facing her.

“MY PUDDIN’?”  Ivy shrieks.   

“Oops, my bad.”  Harley says with a sheepish grin.  “Old habits, die hard.” 

“Just make sure your old habit of running back to that lunatic is dead.”  Ivy snarls.  Harley nods contritely.

“You deserve better.”  Selena adds softly, stroking Harley’s arm.  Harley leans her head on Selena’s shoulder, while placing a hand on Ivy’s thigh and giving a little squeeze.

“You guys are so good to me.  I’d still be in Arkham without you two.  I won’t let you down.”

 

In the cell…

 

“You’re pathetic.  Groveling like that.”  The Joker sneers.  “No wonder you don’t have a woman.  I was wrong when I called you a poo.  Poo would be an improvement.”

“Just cause you found the one woman needy enough to be your punching bag, doesn’t make you an expert on affairs of the heart.”  Riddler replies. “Some men want a true partner, an equal they can share their life with.”  He continues, increasing his voice’s volume to make sure the speakers catch his words.

“Quit acting for the cameras.  Everybody knows your obsessive need to feel superior won’t let you see anyone as an equal.”

“Is that why you beat Harley?  Intimidated by a strong woman?”

“What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?”

“Well, at least a thousand come to mind—”

“EHNNNT!  Times up.  You only have punch information into a computer once.”

“Bullshit!  You do it cause you like it.”

 “I may discipline her, now and then, but I don’t enjoy it.  It’s for her own good.  To keep her on her toes.  It’s a dangerous world we live in.”

“Yeah, that’s what my father used to say.”  Ed mutters under his breath, as he goes back to his cot and sits down. 

“Did you say something?”

“I weaken the strongest men for hours each day.  
I show you strange visions while you’re in my sway.  
Sometimes I take you by night, sometimes I take you by day.  
Everyone needs me, but some fight to keep me away. What am I?”

“I guess this is my punishment for telling a joke.”

“It’s not punishment, you clod.”

“That’s a matter of opinion.  The answer is sleep.  So, that’s your plan?  Wait until I fall asleep, disable the force field, and kill me whilst I slumber.”  Joker asks, a mocking tone to his voice.  “Seems like the kind of chicken shit move you’d make.”

“I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll wait for the match and stomp your ass in front of the millions of viewers they’ve got lined up for the event.”

“That’ll never happen.  You better stick to plan A.”

 

Meanwhile, back in the video surveillance room…

 

“Do you think the Riddler can really deactivate the force field?”  Two Face asks.  “We need them both alive for tomorrow’s bout.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if he could.  The field was bastardized from tech Miss Isley took from Riddler’s lair.”  Penguin casually remarks.  “But we’ve got a back-up plan, thanks to Ms. Quinn, who’s helped us acquire a bit of Joker tech too.”  He adds, giving Harley the closest he has to a warm smile.  “Now all I have to do is press this button…”

 

In the cell…

 

A hissing sound rattles from the vent on Joker’s side of the cell.  Both Joker and Riddler look up at the vent, as a green mist billows out of the opening.

“What the hell are they doing?”  Riddler asks, as the green mist fills Joker’s section of the cell, giving the area an ominous green tinge.  The alarm on Joker’s face, shifts to a more placid countenance, as the vapor’s odor reaches his nose.

“Hmm, it seems like someone’s helping you out Eddie.”  Joker says, fighting back a yawn, as he sits down on his cot.  “I’m-I’mmmmm—”  Joker keels over, sprawled face up across the cot, his legs dangling from the sides. 

Ed looks on suspiciously.  _This doesn’t make any sense.  Why knock Joker out and not me?_   The Riddler wonders _.  Is someone really trying to help me?_ Before any of his questions can be answered, the crackle and pop of a speaker erupts from the wall.  Followed by the staticky voice of Oswald Cobblepot.

 _“Well Nygma, looks like you’ve figured_ _out we used your tech to jerry rig the force field that’s keeping the two of you apart.  But don’t get any bright ideas about disabling the barrier.  The Joker’s side of the room is filled with Joker venom.  Won’t take more than a whiff of that to send you laughing to your grave.  And Joker, you can quit playing possum.  Everyone knows you’re immune to Joker venom.”_

The Joker hops up from his cot and begins clapping his hands. 

“Well played Penguin, using our own gadgets against us.”  Joker says, with a final clap. “But it’s been a busy day and we’d like a little quiet time.”  He turns, flinging his mattress to the floor and grabbing the cot’s hard plastic frame by its legs.  He lifts it vertically and slams the strong resin frame into one of the overhead cameras, smashing it.  He quickly repeats the act, destroying the second camera.  He drops the frame and turns to Riddler, who is busy hoisting his cot frame into the air and smashing the two remaining cameras. 

 

In the surveillance room…

“Well, there goes the video feed.”  Two Face sighs.

“No matter, we’ve gotten enough footage to hype the fight.”  Penguin replies, nonplussed. 

“But if there’s no new footage, there’s no reason to keep them together in one cell.”  Two Face worriedly adds.  “We should get Riddler out of there before he breaks out.”

“Don’t worry, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve got contingency plans in place.”

 

In the cell…

 The Riddler drops the frame and turns to Joker, lifting a finger to his lips to signal quiet. The Riddler walks to the middle of the room and uses his fingertip to write on the barrier— **find** **door** _._

The Joker reads the words, staring at the letters, as they disappear one by one.  **HOW?** He writes.  Riddler grins, walking to the wall on his right.  He places his palm on the wall and wipes, methodically moving across its surface, like a teacher erasing a wall-sized blackboard.  The Joker watches intently, trying to figure the method to this madness.  The Joker’s eyes widen, as a Riddler gets to a portion of the wall and wipes, a hand-sized streak trailing in its wake.  The streak fades quickly, exactly like the words written on the barrier.  Riddler turns to Joker giving him a thumbs up.  _Hmm, there’s two barriers._ The Joker silently notes. _One separating the room and a second opaque barrier hiding the door._

The Riddler glances around the room, taking stock of its meager contents—a mattress, one-piece molded plastic bed frame, metal sink & toilet unit, roll of tissue, and— _Hey, what’s this_?  Ed asks himself, as he spots something shiny on the floor, tucked between the wall and the toilet.  He bends down and picks it up.   _Ahh, lookie here.  There is a God!_   He tells himself as he lifts an expensive looking ball point pen.

The Joker is getting more frustrated every minute, as he runs his palms across the wall—finding nothing.  He’s covered most of the walls on his side and is coming to the conclusion that the room only has one door.   He looks over at Ed and sees him sitting on his cot, fumbling with something in his hands.  He notices the green haze of Joker venom is still hanging in the air.  A troubling thought pops in his head. _How did they get their hands on my joy juice?  No one knew where I kept it hidden._ He scans his memories, trying to remember if he told anyone and then it hits him. _Harley!  She’s the only one that knows.  But she’s in Arkham…or is she?_

“You’re right Ed.  I should have treated Harley better.”  Ed looks up from reshaping the thin, tubular metal ink cartridge that he’d removed from the pen.  “I miss her.  I was planning to snatch her outta Arkham, but then the war started.  I figured she’d be safer in Arkham.  I knew she’d be a prime target if she was free.  I just wanted to keep her safe.”  Joker said, his voice poignant with solemn melancholy. Joker taps his ear and points to the ceiling.  Riddler smiled, thinking.  _Look who’s acting now. Gotta admit, he’s damn good at it. I need to remember that._

“Yeah, I would’ve definitely grabbed her, if she was on the streets.”  Ed replied, playing along. “She would’ve been a valuable bargaining chip.  But I wouldn’t have hurt her.  I know Ivy cares for her and I’d never hurt Ivy.”  Ed adds, hoping to score a few points, too.

“I’d just like to see her one more time.  To tell her I love her.”  Joker falters, his voice breaking.  “But I’ll never see her again.  I’m sure Penguin’s plan is to kill us both no matter how the match goes down.” 

 

Meanwhile, back in the video surveillance room…

Only Ivy, Fries, and Harley are in the surveillance room.   It’s their shift and the others won’t be back for a few hours.

“Ivy, is that true!”  Harley cries, after hearing Joker’s words.  “Is Penguin going to kill them after the match?”

“No, I’m not going to let that happen.  Too many have died already.” 

“Thanks Red, I don’t want him back, but I don’t want him dead either.”

“Yes, I think feel the same way about Eddie.  I’m beginning to wonder if he really did betray me.”

“Well, I don’t know Riddle Boy very well, but I’ve seen how he looks at you.  I’d bet my last dollar that he’s head over heels for you.”

“I guess we’ve all got our tragic love stories.”  Victor Fries says, his voice sad and low.  Harley goes to Fries, wrapping her arms around him.

“Don’t worry Victor.  You’ll have plenty of money after the match.  Enough to find a cure for you and Nora both.”  Harley consoles, as she awkwardly hugs him through his bulky suit.  A few moments later, she stands up.  “If you guys will excuse me for a few, I need to take a pit stop.  That pizza I had for lunch has got my gut feeling all bubbly.”

“TMI Harley.”  Ivy says, wrinkling her nose in disgust.  “Go!”

Harley hurries from the room and rushes down the corridor.  She stops at a T-shaped juncture with another corridor, looking left and right, wondering.  _Which way leads to Mistah J’s cell?_  

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The Joker scowls, his arms folded, as he leans against the wall watching the Riddler.  The Riddler is down on his knees, busily trying to disable the opaque force field that shielding the room’s only exit.  The Joker checked every inch of wall on his side of the barrier, but there were no hidden doors to be found.  He knows what that means.  _Riddler’s going to walk out of this cell and leave me here._   The Joker tells himself.  He stares up at the green wisps of Joker venom seeping from the overhead vent.  _I need to do something about that venom or I won’t be able to convince Ed to let me outta here.  And I need to hurry!_

The Joker yanks the fitted sheet from his mattress, folding it into the smallest square that he can.   He topples his cot’s frame on its side.  Balancing himself on the side of frame, he reaches up and removes the vent cover.  With balance rivaling a ballerina on a tightrope, he gets up on his tiptoes and shoves the sheet into the air duct.  He jumps down just in time to see a large metal door materialize in front of the Riddler.  The Riddler gets to his feet and does a little happy dance.  He stops, as he hears Joker clapping.

“Bravo!”  Joker exclaims.  Riddler looks over at Joker, noting the overturned bed and the sheet plugging the air vent.  The Joker walks to the barrier and writes— **U NEED ME**.  Riddler reads his message, saying nothing.  The Joker starts writing again— **2 MANY OF THEM!**

The Riddler glances over his shoulder at the door, thinking _.  There’s no telling what’s waiting on the other side._   He walks back to the door, putting his ear against the cool metal.  _Is that music I hear?_

 

Harley hears the faint strains of music playing, as she starts down the third flight of stairs.  The sound gets louder the further down she goes.  She recognizes the song, even though she hasn’t heard it since she was a kid.   _That’s from the Disney movie Pinocchio!_   She realizes with delight, as she starts to sing along.

♬“I’ve got no strings to hold to me down, to make me fret, to make me frown.  I had strings, but now I’m free. I’ve got no strings on me.”  Harley sings, skipping down the stairs.    ♬ “Hi Ho the merrio—” Harley’s mouth drops open, as she reaches the bottom of the stairs and sees Solomon Grundy sitting on the floor next to a large metal door.  The music still coming from the tablet in his lap.

“Pretty lady sing nice!”  He says, clapping excitedly.  “Sing more!”   Harley stares at the mountain of a man, smiling, and clapping his enormous hands; and thinks _.  What the hell!   I love this song!_  She starts singing again, adding some energetic, playful dance moves to the mix.  Soon Grundy’s up on his feet, too, stomping around and singing in a surprisingly melodic baritone.  Neither one of them knows all the words, but they’re having too much fun to care.  As the song ends, Harley gives Grundy a big hug.

“You have a beautiful voice!”  Harley gushes exuberantly, a huge grin on her face.  Grundy positively beams at the compliment, his normally dead-looking eyes, shining with joy.  “So whatcha doing, sitting down here all by your lonesome?”  Harley asks.

“Mr. Penguin said, watch the door.  Nobody in.  Nobody out.”

“Ooh.”  Harley replies, nodding her head. “Well, I don’t know about you, but all that singin’ and dancin’ made me hungry.  Do you like ice cream?” 

“Grundy love ice cream!!”   Harley’s delighted to hear that and fishes a crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her pocket.

“Here.”  She says, handing him the twenty.  “Take this across the street to the deli and get us some ice cream.  My treat!”  Grundy grabs the money, smiling for moment, then a frown crosses his face.

“But Mr. Penguin said stay here ‘til he gets back.”   Grundy replies, crestfallen. 

“Oh, but Penguin won’t be back for hours.  And I came down here to watch the door, so you could take your break.  You’re s’posed to get a break.  That’s the law.”

“Mr. Penguin—”

“Everybody’s entitled to break.  Mr. Penguin knows that.  Now c’mon.”  Harley cajoles, grabbing his hand and leading him toward the stairs.  “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!” Harley gleefully trills.

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!”  Grundy cheerfully chants, making his way up the stairs.

“Phew!”  Harley sighs. “I thought he’d never leave.”

 

A few minutes earlier, in the cell…

Riddler’s ear is plastered to the door, straining to hear the voices over the music.  _That sounds an awful lot like Harley Quinn._ He silently notes.  He glances back at Joker, who quickly draws a question mark on the barrier.  _God, I’m probably going to regret this_.  Riddler inwardly groans, as he slowly walks over to Joker.  He gazes up at the ceiling vent, making sure the sheet’s still blocking the venom flow.  Ed then gets on his knees and gets to work, with his makeshift tool, disabling the force field.  In no time at all, the shield is down and Riddler jumps to his feet, facing the Joker.  Both men stand nose-to-nose, warily eying each other.  A wide smile splits Joker’s face and he gives the Riddler a hearty pat on the back with one hand, while giving him a thumbs up with the other.

“Don’t celebrate yet.” Riddler whispers.  “We still need to get that door open without activating the alarm.”   There’s a knock at the door, and both men turn toward it, startled expressions on their faces.

“Anybody home.”  Harley calls playfully through the door.   The Joker struts over to the door with a renewed swagger that makes the Riddler clench his teeth.

“Knock, knock.”  Joker croons, his lips nearly kissing the door.  Ed looks up at the ceiling, shaking his head.

“Who’s there?”  Harley replies with breathy giggle.

“Love.”

“Love who?”

“Love you Punkin.”  Harley’s excited gasp is loud enough to be heard through the door.  “Now tell Daddy, can you open the door from your side?”  Riddler and Joker wait expectantly, as the door jiggles in its frame.

“Er uh, it’s locked.  There’s a keypad thingy, but I don’t know what numbers to press.” Riddler steps up to the door.

“Harley.”  Riddler says.  “I need you to look very carefully at the numbered buttons on the keypad.  Are any of the buttons dirtier than the others or more worn down than the others?”

“Umm, let me see…”  The next few seconds pass like hours.  “Yeah, there are. 1,4,5,0.”

“That’s great!  Press 0,4,1,5. That’s Penguin’s birthday.” 

“Okay, 0…4…1…5.” Two short beeps sound, followed by a click, as the lock disengages. “YAY!” Harley yells, pushing the door open and running to the Joker.  She wraps her arms around his neck, hopping up and throwing her legs around his waist.  “Oh Puddin!” She cries, snuggling against him.  The Riddler dashes past them through the door.  The Joker follows, carrying Harley.

“You can get down now.”  He tells her, a hint of irritation in his voice.  Harley quickly jumps down.

“This way.”  She says, running toward the stairs. All three dash up the stairwell, Harley in the lead.  From his vantage point, the Riddler can’t help but notice that Harley’s wearing a thong underneath her short red skirt.  He watches her ripe, round cheeks bounce from side-to-side as she runs up the steps, unconsciously licking his lips, until the Joker elbows him in the side.

“Quit looking at her ass like you want to grab it.”  The Joker growls, speeding up to get between them on the stairs.

“Oh, I’d like to do more than grab it.”  Riddler whispers under his breath.  The trio reach the top of the stairwell and make a mad dash for the front door.  They nearly reach it and the door flies open, slamming against the wall.  Penguin walks in, toting an AK47.  Two Face follows, Glock in hand.  Filling the doorway behind them is Solomon Grundy, licking an ice cream cone.

“I hate to say I told you so, Harv, but I knew we couldn’t trust Joker’s little whoopie cushion.”  Penguin sneers, glaring at Harley.

“Yeah, but she’s such a sweet girl.  The way she bends over to pick up my coin, every time I, uh, accidently drop it.” Two Face says with a lopsided smile.  Penguin groans and lifts his rifle.

“Hands on your head, all three of you.”  Penguin orders.  The Riddler coughs, covering his mouth and slipping his little tool inside his cheeks, as his hands go up.  Harley puts her hands on her head, winking at Two Face and sticking out her tongue.  The Joker stands there smiling serenely, his arms down and hands folded in front of him.   Penguin assumes firing stance, his rifle pointed at the Joker.

“I SAID HANDS ON YOUR HEAD!”  Penguin barks, looking Joker directly in the eye.

“I heard you, but you didn’t say which one.”  Joker drolly replies, grabbing his crouch and giving it a gentle squeeze.  Harley snickers at his response.   Penguin doesn’t laugh.  He doesn’t find it funny.  For too many years he was the butt of the joke.  _But_ _not_ _anymore!_   He slams the stock of his rifle upside Joker’s head; the ferocity of his blow powered by the pent-up fury years of ridicule have wrought.  The Joker drops, like a house of cards built too high. Harley screams, throwing herself at Penguin, a frenzied flurry of fists, feet, fingernails and foul language.  The Penguin, far more fit than his corpulent exterior would suggest, sticks her with one of the tranquilizer darts he’d planned to use on the men.  In mere moments, she falls to the floor, landing beside the man she loves.  Penguin snatches his hat from the floor and looks around.

“Where’s the Riddler?" Penguin asks. Harvey and Grundy, both distracted by the melee, stare back at Penguin, bewildered.  “FIND HIM!” He screams.  The pair run down the hall toward the building’s rear exit.

 “What’s going on down here!”  Ivy shouts, running down the stairs.  She reaches the first floor and gasps in horror at the sight of Harley lying motionless on the floor.  “What have you done to her?”  She cries, rushing to Harley’s side and checking her pulse.

“She’ll be fine.”  Penguin tells her, as he busily secures the Joker’s ankles and wrists with heavy duty zip ties.  Finishing, he turns to Ivy.  “That psycho set Joker and Riddler free.” He sneers.  “Or did you already know that?  Seeing how you’re part of their little love rectangle.”

“Love rectangle?!  Are you insane?”  Ivy shrieks. “You never would have captured them without me.”

“Perhaps.”  Penguin says. “But if you’re really invested in this venture’s success, I assume you understand why Ms. Quinzel needs to be locked up in the cellar with the Joker.”   Pam doesn’t answer right away.

“On one condition, you promise me she’ll be released, unharmed, after the fight.”

“You have my word.  She will be released.”

“Unharmed?”

“Agreed.  But we’ve got a bigger problem.  The Riddler is missing. I assume he’s still in the building somewhere.  All the doors and windows are secured.”

“Seriously, Eddie can open a locked bank vault.  Getting out of this building will be child’s play for him.”

Two Face and Grundy walk in the front door with three henchmen.  The Riddler is not with them.

“I’ve got half a dozen men guarding the building’s perimeter.  If he’s still in here, we’ll get him.”  Two Face tells them.  Penguin groans, as he ponders the logistics of searching the old rooming house.  The building covers a double lot, has three stories and a cellar.  There are dozens of rooms and who knows how many cubby holes to hide in.

“Fine, take your men and start searching.”  Penguin tells Harvey. “Grundy, grab the bodies on the floor and come with me.”

“If he got out of the building, I have a few ideas on where he’d head.”  Ivy interjects.  “I’ll check them out.”

Ivy walks out of the building into the mid-afternoon sun.  She stands in the sunlight, luxuriating in its warm, revitalizing rays.  Her mood improves immediately.  She gets in her car, lowering the convertible’s roof.  _I need to check on my babies_.  She decides and pulls off, headed for Robinson Park.  

A profusion of plant life greets her with their cheery, inviting auras the moment she sets steps into the park. Cozy and comforting as a hug, their loving voices sing to her.  She’s more content and relaxed than she’s been since the war started.  She lays down on the sun-warmed grass, her skin taking on a pale green hue.  She closes her eyes and basks in the sun’s renewing rays.  As she slips into slumber, her babies call out to her, and she abruptly sits up.  Worry lines crease her forehead, as her babies warn her of a human’s approach. 

“Ivy.  Ivy are you here?”  The Riddler calls out.  She’s not surprised to hear his voice.  She suspected he’d come for her.

“Eddie, I’m over here.”  She answers.  He follows the sound of her voice and finds her reclining on the grass.  His breath catches in his throat at the sight of her.  _Oh my God, she’s magnificent_.  He thinks, as she has literally taken his breath away. He hurries to her, laying down beside her.  Speechless, he stares at her adoringly.  Ivy, seeing his state, realizes he’s under the thrall of her pheromones and she consciously dials them down.  In a few moments, the dazed expression falls from his face and his eyes clear, once again shining with intelligence.

“I prayed you’d be here.” He tells her.  “I need you to know I didn’t betray you.  Go ahead, use your pheromones to compel me to tell you the truth.”

“That won’t be necessary.  I already know you were telling the truth.” 

“How?”

“You’re one of the most cunning men I know.  If you were lying, you would have devised a far more convincing and persuasive story.  What you told me was too ridiculous not to be true.”  She says with a laugh. Hearing her words, brings a smile to his face and Pam is stuck by how handsome it makes him.  She places a hand on his cheek, staring into his beautiful honey brown eyes.  Her hand moves down to his tee shirt, which is obviously a few sizes too large. “Where did you find these clothes?” She teases.  He laughs, looking down at his over-sized duds.

“Hey, this is how the kids wear their clothes now.  Pants hanging off their butts.”  He jokes.  Ivy scoots closer, raising his tee shirt and grabbing the waistband of his slacks.

“I don’t think they’re supposed to be this loose.”  She says, starting to pull them down without unbuttoning them first.  “Oh my, somebody’s going commando.”  She adds, continuing to tug at his pants. He lifts up, but there something big poking up in front and the pants stop sliding down.  “Well, I guess you don’t have to worry about them falling off after all.”   She says, unbuttoning his pants.  Eddie helps, getting out of the slacks and tossing them aside.  She grabs his shirt and gently tugs him toward her.  He doesn’t need much encouragement, as he leans in to kiss her.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

 

The Penguin was pacing the kitchen floor, trying to remain calm.  Over two million pay-per-view orders had been sold for the fight.  Based on past experience, the majority of the orders would be made only hours before the event.  It was likely viewership would exceed five million by fight night, but he’d never see a penny if the Riddler was a no show.  Two Face’s men were still searching the building, but they’d been at it for over thirty minutes and still no Riddler.  He’d concluded that Ivy was probably right and Ed had gotten out of the building.  The fact that one of the goon’s cars had been stolen only reinforced that belief.  He’d sent a few of his men to stake out Riddler’s known hideouts, but no one had reported back with any sightings. His cell phone starts to ring and he almost drops it, in his rush to pull it from his pocket.

“Felix, you got anything?”  Penguin barks into the phone.

“Yeah, we’ve found Marco’s car parked right outside of Robinson Park.  Poison Ivy’s car is here, too.” Felix replies.

“I knew it!  Those two are in cahoots.”  Penguin exclaims, slamming his palm down on the kitchen counter.  “Maintain your position outside the park and call me if you see either one of them come out.”  Penguin ends the call and immediately starts typing a text message.  

 

Ivy realizes how much she needs this the moment Eddie’s lips touch hers.  He kisses her with an unbridled passion that ignites a fire inside her.  She moans, arching her body toward his, as she returns his kiss with equal fervor. His fingers weave through her hair, tugging at its roots and sending delicious shivers to her very core.  Her heart is racing, as her tongue snakes against his. He tastes her hunger, as her mouth devours his.  Her still clothed body undulates beneath him, seeking contact with his throbbing shaft, each brush of their bodies intensifies the need burning hot within them.

“I want to feel your skin on mine.” Ivy softly pleads, pulling up the hem of her top.  As she removes her top, Ed unbuttons her slacks, sliding them down her legs.  He covers her naked body with his own; kissing, sucking, and nipping at her long graceful neck.  She writhes beneath him, her breathing labored.

“Pleassse.”  She hisses, her breath heavy and hot.  She lifts her pelvis to capture his hard heat against her dripping warmth.  Hearing her plead to taken by him, gives Ed a rush beyond anything his brilliant mind can articulate.  His cock swells in anticipation.   _Not yet Pammy._ He muses _. I’m gonna make you want it more._ His lips move down her body, warm wet kisses trailing down her torso, as she trembles at his touch.  He takes a moment to nuzzle the springy curls of her pubic thatch, breathing in the intoxicating scent.  She gasps, as his lips move lower, his hands spreading her smooth thighs wide.

He stares at her luscious folds, his manhood throbbing at the sight of the glistening pearl of flesh at its center.  His mouth latches onto it.  His tongue dances across the hot nub of nerves, as her body quivers and high-pitched whimpers bubble from her lips.  He sucks her tender bead, then flicks it with his tongue, up and down, side-to-side, over and over again.  He’s mesmerized by the delicious taste of her, the wondrous feel of her.  Ivy’s moans grow louder, as her entire world is whisked away; the exquisite feel of his magical mouth, the only thing that exists.  It feels so good, she fears she might go mad.  She shoves her heat against his lips, as a flurry of glorious sensations overwhelm her, bright lights flashing in her head, as she floats weightless into a sea of ecstasy.

“ED! ED! OH MY GOD EDDIEEEEE!”  She screams, as her body quakes in wave after wave of indescribably intense pleasure.   _Yes!  Scream my name!_ The Eddie’s heart sings, as her quivering body slowly stills and he lifts his head.  He gazes down her sweat drenched body, her chest rapidly rising and falling, as she seeks to catch her breath.  She strikes him as a dream made real and he finds himself in complete awe of her.  He moves up her body and she reaches toward him, her fingers threading through his hair, as she pulls him into a kiss.  There’s a ding, as a text comes to Ivy’s phone.  Neither one of them notice the sound.

The text, from Penguin reads, **_Bring him back or Harley dies._**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

An hour or so later…

The Joker comes to, lying on the floor, groaning at the too familiar sight of the dingy gray ceiling above him. _So_ _much for the Great Escape._ He sits up, glancing across the room, thinking _.  Well, at least I’ve got better company this time._  He walks over to Harley, naked and unconscious on the floor.  He nudges her arm with his foot—no response.  He goes to the sink, filling a paper cup with water, which he pours over her face.  Her hands fly up, swiping at the wetness, as she sputters and coughs.  She looks up, wet hair plastered to her face and smiles.

“Puddin!”  She cries, grabbing his extended hand and letting him pull her to her feet.  She flings her arms around Joker’s waist, leaning her head on his chest.  He absently strokes her hair, as he peers around the room inventorying the changes. _No cots, no mattresses, no sheet in vent_ …  He frowns as he notes another change—one of the cameras has been repaired.   He grasps Harley’s arms, pulling them off his body.  Harley stands there a pout forming on her lips.  The Joker pulls off his hospital gown, handing it to her.

“Put this on.”  He tells her.

“What are you going to wear?”

“I don’t need to wear anything.  No one will be jacking off looking at my tits and ass.”   Harley puts on the gown.  

“Oh, I dunno.  It’s a pretty hot ass.”  Harley replies, smiling slyly, as she wraps her arms around him and palms his butt with both hands.  Joker leans closer, his lips brushing her ear.

“So, tell me Harley.  What exactly is going on between you and Two Face?"  Harley gulps, trying to swallow, but her throat is suddenly dry.

“N-Nuthin Puddin, nuthin at all.”  She finally chokes out.  The Joker nibbles at her ear, catching her earlobe between his teeth and biting—hard.  Harley gasps, her pulse quickening.  He lets her ear go, his tongue swiping the bite. An almost imperceptible shiver runs through Harley, but Joker feels it, his smile growing wider.  

“Hmm, flashing your ass in his face, poking out your tongue and winking at him, is that nothing?”  He asks, his voice saccharin-sweet.  “Giving him my Joker venom, IS THAT NOTHING?”  He thunders, his hands throttling her throat.  Harley’s eyes go wide, tears shimmering on their surface.  Like a fish out of water, her mouth soundlessly flapping, as she strains to get air. Her vision clouds, the room going dark around her. Joker shakes her like a rag doll, his hands vise-like on her neck.  He sees her eyes rolling back in her head and he releases her.  She falls in a crumpled heap at his feet.  She doesn’t move.  The Joker squats down beside her, grabbing her pigtail and lifting her head.  

“C’mon, you’re tougher than that.”  He sneers, slapping her face.  A wheezing breath jumps from her throat, followed by a fit of coughing.  He sits on the floor, his legs crossed.  He pulls her into his lap, his arms cradling her, as he slowly rocks back and forth.  She quietly whimpers, her head beneath his chin.  “Why do always make me do that?” He asks, his voice soft, yet thick with emotion.  “Daddy doesn’t like hurting his pretty baby.  You know that don’t you?”  She nods silently against his chest.  He kisses the top of her head and she sighs contentedly.

 

Meanwhile in the surveillance room…

“Can you believe that shit!” Two Face exclaims. “He’s got her totally mind fucked.”

“He’ll be fucking more than her mind in a minute.”  Mr. Freeze replies.  “I have a feeling that’s just foreplay to them.  See, it looks like they’ve already kissed and made up.”  Freeze said pointing at the monitor.

 

In the cell…

Harley repositions herself on Joker’s lap, wrapping her legs around his waist and facing him.  She kisses him, her hips rotating in small circles, as her wet opening slides against his rapidly hardening ‘joystick’.  Joker’s Joystick is the pet name she’d given his cock.  The way it curved when fully erect, the head more bulbous than its thick shaft, vaguely resembled the game controller she used on her PC—only much bigger.  But that wasn’t the main reason.  It was the joy she felt, once it was inside her.  He knew exactly how to move, how to hit her sweet spot, until she was nothing but a quivering, dripping wreck beneath him.   

“I’ve missed you sooo much.”  She tells him, her voice deep and lustful, as she grinds on his lap.  Feeling her wet pussy moving across his cock, forces a moan from his throat and he grabs her ass, intensifying their contact.  “Wait!  I forgot sumthin’.” She exclaims, jumping to her feet.  _Way to kill a mood._ Joker frowns, as she grabs his arm, pulling him off the floor.  She keeps pulling him until they reach a corner of the room.  

“This is the camera’s blind spot.” She whispers. “I brought a little party favor—for your eyes only.”  Harley lies down on the floor, her legs spread wide, as she beacons him to her with a crooked finger.  The Joker smiles in understanding, getting down on his knees and reaching between her legs.  He sticks a finger inside her, feeling around until he finds it.  He slowly pulls a string from her vagina and a small, thumb-sized mesh pouch slides out.  He lifts his arm, grinning at the pouch as it dangles from its drawstring, swinging like a pendulum.  His smile stretches as he sees the small vial of dark green liquid inside the pouch.

“Is this what I think it is?”  He asks Harley, a devilish glint in his eyes.

“Yeah baby, highly concentrated Joker venom.  Just add water and you’ve got at least two gallons of regular strength venom.”  She whispers into his ear.

“Have I told you I love you today?”

“Don’t tell me. Show me.”  Harley says, her hand stroking his joystick.

****

Back in the surveillance room…

 

“Where did they go?”  Two Face cries.  “I can’t see them!”

“Calm down, they merely moved out of the camera’s range.”  Freeze tells him with an exasperated groan. 

“But wh—”

“Quiet!  I hear them talking.”  Freeze commands, moving closer to the speaker.  Two Face follows suit, rolling his chair next to Victor.

“Is what, what I think it is?”  Harvey asks, repeating Joker’s words.

“Shhh, she’s whispering, and I can’t hear over your incessant chatter.”  Victor grumbles, leaning closer to the amplifier.  “Sounds like pillow talk to me.”  Victor adds, after listening for a moment.  The sound of frenzied grunts and moans of pleasure waft up through the speakers and Two Face rolls back to his side of the room, a look of disgust on his face.

“Do you think he’s forcing himself on her?”  Two Face asks.  Victor turns to him in, a sympathetic look on his face.

“I don’t think that’s how women sound when they’re being raped.”  Victor answers, as additional cries of ecstasy reach their ears. “But don’t lose heart.  After the fight, we kill Joker and you’ll be there to comfort the grieving girlfriend.”

 “I don’t know.  Part of me thinks I should get her outta there before he really hurts her.  She’s the only bargaining chip we’ve got left to get Riddler back!”  Two Face exclaims. 

“You going down there will only add fuel to the fire.”  Freeze cautions.  “Hell, if Joker sees you storming in, like her knight in shining armor, he might just snap her neck outta spite!”  Two Face scowls, feeling conflicted.  He flips his coin, catching it on his hand and taking a peek.

“You’re right.  The coin says, I should wait. I can tell she likes me.  Hell, she was flirting with me right in front of the Joker.  Wagging that pretty pink tongue at me, winking.”  Harvey recalls, absently stroking his crouch, as he closes his eyes and listens to her screams of pleasure. 

Victor gets up, shaking his head forlornly and leaving the room.  Tears he can’t wipe away, because of his protective helmet, roll from his eyes.  Hearing Harley’s rapturous cries awoke memories of how he and Nora had once been _.  We were so happy together_. He silently recalls, as he goes downstairs to check in with Penguin.

 

At Robinson Park…

Eddie rolls off Ivy’s body, totally spent.  They’d been at it for over an hour.  _Like rabbits on steroids_.  He muses with a smile, as Ivy places her head on his chest.  He wraps an arm around her, wishing this moment could last forever.  Ivy’s phone dings and she lifts her head at the sound.

“Where’s my phone?” She sits up, asking.  Ed sits up, too, looking around.  He sees it and picks it up, showing Ivy the string of text messages from Penguin.

The first reads. **_Bring him back or Harley dies._**

The second. **_I know you’re in the Park together._**

The third. **_You have one hour or Harley’s history._** That message is forty-five minutes old.  Ivy gasps and reaches for the phone.  Ed pulls it to his chest.

“Let me handle this.”  Ed says, placing a call.  Ivy looks on biting her lip, as Ed clicks on the speakerphone.  Penguin picks up on the first ring.

“Ivy, it's about time y—”

“No, this is the Riddler.” Ed says. “Release Harley and I’ll come back.”

“As if I could trust you come back, once I set her free.”  Penguin sneers. 

“Well, I don’t trust you either.  So, this how it goes.  Bring Harley to Robinson Park—”

“YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID NYGMA!”  Penguin pauses a moment, taking a deep breath.   “The minute I walk into that park, I’m wearing a vine suit. No deal.”

“No, not in the park, outside, at Ivy’s car.  I see her at the car…I come out.  I give you my word.  Now you give me yours that you won’t go after Harley, once you’ve got me.

“Alright, you have my word.  Truth is, I can’t wait to be free of that crazy blonde.”

“Good, I’ll be waiting.”  Ed says, ending the call.  He turns to Ivy, who’s looking at him in wide-eyed.

“You’re willing to turn yourself in to save Harley?”  She asks, in disbelief.

“No, I’m willing to turn myself in to keep you happy.  I know you don’t want Harley dead.”  He answers, kissing her hand.  She smiles, her emerald green eyes shining with admiration, as she gazes up at him.

“WAIT!” Ivy cries.  “I don’t want to lose you.  We need a new plan.”

“No, I gave my word, aaand ( _drumroll please_ ) I’ve already got a plan.”   

“Can I help?” She asks.  He looks at her, loving her more at that moment than he ever had before.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 

“It’ll take you an hour to get here?” Penguin scowls, talking into his phone.  “Why?  You’re that far away?” He listens impatiently to the reply on the other side of the call.  “Yes!  I definitely want you to bring your napalm cannon with you.  That will put the fear of God in her and her viscous plant _babies_.”  Penguin growls, the cigarette holder in his mouth bobbing as he gnashes his teeth on its tip.  “Fine, see you in an hour.”  Penguin adds, ending the call and turning to Mr. Freeze.  “Firefly will be here in an hour.  We head for the park when he gets here.  Between your ice and his fire we’ll be ready for anything Poison Ivy throws at us.”

“But I thought Riddler agreed to turn himself in willingly.”  Freeze says, furrowing his brow.

“Yes, but I don’t trust him or his green girlfriend.  I aim to be prepared, should they decide to pull a fast one.”

“Good thinking, better safe than sorry.”  Freeze agrees, nodding his head.  “I’m going to run by my lab to pick up a few more tanks of cryogen.  I’ll be back in less than an hour.”

“Sounds like a good idea.  Like you said, better safe than sorry.”

 

The Joker is sitting on the floor, his back against the wall and his long legs stretched out in front of him.  Harley is lying on the floor next to him, using his thigh as a pillow.   The Joker plays with her ponytail, twisting it loosely around his finger.  Harley knows he likes to play in her hair while he’s thinking.  She doesn’t mind, it’s not like it hurts or anything.  She’s exhausted, but in a good way.  She lost count of the number of orgasms she had after the third one and she's still kinda floating in the afterglow.  The fact they’re imprisoned, doesn’t even bother her that much. _We’re together and that’s all that matters_.  She tells herself, as she stares up at him dreamily.  She hears his stomach growl, loudly.

“When did you eat last?”  She asks.  The Joker shrugs in reply.  Hunger, like most physical pain, doesn’t really faze him.  He feels pain, but for him it's not a wholly unwelcome physical sensation.  It reminds him he's still alive.  He's learned to enjoy both giving and receiving it.  He reaches over to the sink, without getting up, filling a cup with water and chugging it down.  Harley sits up. “You can’t get nourishment just by drinking cup after cup of water!”  Harley wails.  “You need food!”  She jumps to her feet, walking into the overhead camera’s range.

“Hey up there!”  She yells, waving her hands in front of the camera.  “The Joker needs food!  The fight isn’t going to thrill the crowd if he faints away from hunger the minute he enters the ring.”  Harley stands there, hands on her hips, and a determined look on her face.

 

Two Face, alone in the surveillance room, stares at Harley on the screen.   But Two Face is never truly alone.  He’s two men, locked in a sometimes-fierce battle for supremacy over their shared body.  But one thing they have in common is the burning in their loins for that sexy little spitfire—Harley Quinn.

“You’re ravishing when you’re angry.” Pretty Boy Harvey croons to her through the speakers.

“And baby, would I love to ravish you!” Big Bad Harv pipes in, his mutilated lips twitching as he makes an attempt at a smile.

“Just bring down some food and quit foolin’ around.”  Harley sharply retorts.

“Well, when I bring the food, do we get to do a little fooling around then?” Pretty Boy Harvey playfully teases.

“Wise up girlie, dump that clown. If you were my woman you wouldn’t be sitting around, bare-assed on a cold hard floor.”  Big Bad Harv says.  “I’ve got something better for you to sit on.  It’ll be hard, but it won’t be cold.”

“Just bring the damned food!”  Harley cries with exasperation.

“Okay sweetcakes, I’ll have one of my boys run across the street to the deli.  See ya soon.”  Harvey tells her, flicking off his microphone.  He hurriedly calls a henchman and gives him the food order.  Harvey straightens his tie and flings on his jacket.  He cups his hand over his mouth smelling his breath.  He makes a face and tosses a mint in his mouth.

“When I get down there, I’m pulling her outta that room, so she and I can have a bit of quality time before we trade her for Riddler.”  Big Bad Harv says, licking what’s left of his lips.

“No!”  Pretty Boy Harvey cries.  “You can’t strong arm a woman like her into wanting you.  It takes finesse. Sweet words, candlelight dinners, thoughtful gestures.”

“C’mon, quit being a sap.  You’ve seen how Joker treats her.  Slaps her around like a beach ball.”

“That’s my point!  I’m offering her something better than the Joker.”

“I say, she likes it rough.”

“The coin decides.”  Pretty Boy Harvey states, flipping his coin in the air.  He catches the coin, trapping it between his hands.  He looks at the coin’s scarred face.

“Yessss!”  Big Bad Harv shouts, lifting his fist in triumph. “Once she’s had Big Bad Harv, she’ll let the Joker starve.”

 

 

Harley hears the microphone click off and walks back to Joker, sitting on the floor beside him.  She pats Joker’s thigh.

“You’ll have something to eat soon, Puddin’.”

“I’ve lost my appetite.”  The Joker says, looking at Harley out of the side of his eye.

“Huh?  But you haven’t eaten all day.”

“Listening to that imbecile, Harvey, has turned my stomach.” 

“Yeah, he’s definitely a headcase.”  Harley agrees with a smirk. 

“More like a two-headcase.” The Joker growls.

“That’s him alright” Harley laughs.

“He thinks he can take you from me.”

“It’ll never happen.”

“Good, because _this_.”  Joker says, grabbing her by the pussy.  “Belongs to me.”

“And only you!” Harley pledges.

“When he gets here, stand back, way back. Understood.” Joker says, giving her a stern look.

“Understood.”  Harley repeats.  The Joker goes to the sink and gets another drink of water.

Several minutes later, a BEEP BEEP rings out, as the metal door unlocks.  Joker jumps to his feet getting to the door, just as it opens.  Two Face walks in, ringed by two armed goons.  Joker stands in front of them, smiling and holding his dick. 

Two Face opens his mouth, ready to hurl an insult.  But before he can get out a word, the Joker lets loose with a stream of urine, like a human fire hose, dousing all three men in the face.  They scream in unison, unable to believe what just happened.  The trio falls to the floor, their bodies jerking convulsively, rictus grins plastered on their faces.  The Joker throws back his head and howls in laughter.

“Grab their guns.” He tells Harley, between hoots, as he snatches Two Faces’ shoes from his feet. 

“How did you do that?”  Harley asks in amazement, taking the rifles from the incapacitated goons.

“I guess you can say I pissed them off.”  The Joker chuckles.  Harley giggles, as she checks the goons for additional weapons.  She turns to him smiling, as she figures it out.

“The concentrated Joker venom.  You drank it.” She says, proudly.

“Yup, but we need to hurry.  I doubt it’s strong enough to kill them.  My body probably metabolized most of it.  They could come to anytime.”  The Joker warns, as he pulls off Harvey’s pants, quickly putting them on and slipping into his shoes.

“Let’s get outta here!”  He yells, grabbing one of the automatic rifles from Harley and heading for the stairs.  They make it to the top of the stairs, just as Penguin walks into the hall.  He stares at the pair, google-eyed and opened mouthed.  Joker sprays the hall with gunfire and Penguin dives back into the room.  Harley blasts the lock from the front door.  She and Joker run out into the night air.

“This way!”  Harley yells, running toward her car.  Joker reaches it first, breaking the window and opening the door locks.  They jump inside, as gunfire erupts, blasting out the car’s rear window.  Harley snatches her spare car keys from under the mat and shoves them in the ignition.  Joker is at the wheel.  He peels off from the curb, tires screeching, as they speed away.

“Holy shit!  I can’t believe you drank it.”  Harley says, looking at the Joker in awe.  Something catches her eye. “Slow down, make a right at the next corner.”

“The theater’s not that way.”

“Robinson Park is closer and I need to get some clothes.”

“You’ve got clothes at our place.”

“No, I took all my stuff to Ivy’s.”

“You moved out.”  The Joker says, his tone uncharacteristically solemn.

“I needed to prove I was through with you or Ivy would never have let me in on their plan.  That’s why I gave them the venom.  It was a show of good faith.”

“I really do need to teach you how to lie. You’re terrible at it.”  The Joker snarls, slapping Harley with the back of one hand, while steering with the other. 

Harley turns away, staring out the window shame-faced.  He was right, she was lying.  She’d meant it when she told Ivy she was done with the Joker.  _How will I face her now?_ She wonders, looking at her swollen lip in the passenger side mirror.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

 

Their car hits a pothole with a loud rumble and a bounce, jostling Harley from her reverie.   The Joker laughs.

“Harvey was right about one thing, this city’s gone to pot.”  He cracks, as he cuts the wheel, the car swerving to avoid yet another pothole.  Hearing Harv’s name, reminds Harley of a question she’d intended to ask.

“Why didn’t you kill Harvey?”  She asks.

“Kill him?  While he was blacked out on my venom?  What fun would that be?  No fear in his eyes, no desperate pleas for mercy, and worst of all, he wouldn’t have known it was me, the Joker, sending him to his grave.  _BORING_. No, it’s far more entertaining to imagine him waking up to the sting of my fluids in his eyes; the pungent scent of ammonia burning in his nostrils; as he gags on the zesty tang of my golden juices swishing in his mouth.  Now, that’s funny!”  The Joker cackles, the sound deep and depraved, as it reverberates within car.   Harley chuckles softly, disregarding the queasy flip in the pit of her stomach.

“There’s Red’s car.”  Harley says, pointing to the shiny green convertible, parked a dozen feet ahead.  “She must be here.”  The Joker frowns at her revelation, his grip on the steering wheel tightening, as he pulls up behind the convertible.

“Go get your stuff.  I’ll come back for you later.”  The Joker says, his voice devoid of emotion. He presses a button, unlocking the door. Harley reaches for the door handle, then hesitates, turning to him.  He’s looking straight ahead.  She gazes at his profile, the hard line of his lips _.  He’s asking me to make a choice._   Her heart rate quickens, as she realizes walking away may mean never being with him again.

“Forget it, let’s go.  I can wear your clothes…for a while.”  She sees his face relax, the corner of his mouth rising a bit.  He squeezes her thigh.  He reaches for the gearshift—WHOOSH-PLOOP.  The Joker flinches and quickly ducks, pulling Harley down on the car’s seat with him.

“Someone just shot me in the arm!”  Joker growls, reaching for the rifle on the car’s floor.  “Stay down.”  He orders, as he rises and rains a hail of automatic rifle fire out the car’s busted driver side window.  “Oof!”  He grunts, as he’s hit again, in the chest.  He ducks, his eyes widening in surprise, as he pulls a dart from his chest.  “Somebody thinks I’m a dart board.”  He laughs.  Harley pulls the other dart from his bicep, studying it.

“It looks like a tranquilizer dart.” She tells him, as she continues to look over the cigarette sized projectile.  “Oh no!” She exclaims, when she looks over and sees Joker, facedown and unconscious on the seat beside her.  She shimmies down, her knees on the floormat, and opens the passenger door.  She peers out.  The park and its dense rim of bushes is less than fifteen feet away _.  I’ve got to get him to the park’s cover_. 

She crawls from the car, keeping low.  She squats, reaching across the seat to grab Joker’s wrists.  She pulls, but he’s dead weight and barely budges.  She redoubles her efforts and his body slowly slides toward her.  Her arms feel like they’re being pulled from their sockets, as she strains to pull while staying crouched down.  _I’m moving too slow!_   Her mind screams, as she drags him toward the door, inch-by-inch.  She hears footsteps on the pavement behind her.  She grabs the rifle, pivoting toward the sound.  “Eddie!” She gasps.

“I’ve got him.” The Riddler says, snatching Joker’s arm and pulling him out of the car.   Harley, crouching low, begins firing over the car’s hood, in the general direction of their unseen assailants.  She hopes her firepower is enough to provide cover for Ed as he drags Joker into the park.

 

Fifteen minutes later, an unconscious Joker is lying on a bed in Ivy’s spare room.  Harley is sitting on the bed next to him.  She gently dabs antiseptic on the litany of minor scratches he’d gotten from being dragged through the bushes.  Ivy walks into the room.

“We need to talk.”  Ivy states, her voice sharp and her eyes fierce.  Harley nods, continuing to tend to the Joker’s wounds.

“Okay Red, I’ll be done in a minute.”

“NOW!” Ivy shouts.  Harley looks at Ivy’s face and realizes the conversation, the one she’s been dreading, cannot be put off any longer.  

“Okay talk.” Harley says.  Reluctant to look Ivy in the eye, she makes busy work.  She fiddles around with the cotton balls, as if it matters how the dirty ones are discarded and how the bag of clean ones is securely closed.  Ivy looks at the Joker.  The Joker in her home.  The Joker in her guest bed.  Harley touching the JOKER.

“Not here.  Come with me.”  Ivy tells her, walking to the door.  She glances back at Harley, who’s still on the bed.  Ivy doesn’t speak, she doesn’t need to.  Harley takes one look at her face and sees the burning fuse is perilously close to reaching the bomb.  She stands, following Ivy out of the room.

They walk down the corridor of the park’s former field house.  It’s Ivy’s house now.  They reach the door marked WOMEN and step inside.  Ivy leads her to the row of sinks.  They stand facing the wide mirror.  Ivy gently touches her swollen lip.  She places a finger under her chin, lifting it.  Ivy stares at the bluish-purple bruising, ringing Harley’s neck, like a collar.  Harley gazes at the dark marks, blooming vividly against her pale pink skin, she turns away.  Ivy grabs her chin, forcing her to face the mirror.

“Don’t you dare turn away.  LOOK AT IT!”  Ivy storms.  “Only a few hours with him and you’re already beaten and bruised!”  Harley wrenches her chin from Ivy’s grip, looking down at the sink.  She stares at the drain, wishing she could crawl inside.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have…”  Harley’s quivering voice falters, as tears roll down her cheeks.  Ivy’s face softens, and she pulls her weeping friend into her arms.    

“NO!  It’s not your fault.  It’s him.  It’s all on HIM!”  Ivy hisses.  “What I don’t understand is why you think being with one of the world’s most despicable men is what you deserve.”

“But it’s not all bad times.”  Harley whispers. “There’s good times, too.  Glorious, wild, crazy, exhilarating times!  Breathless, heart-pounding times when I can’t tell if I’m flying or free falling to my death. The best times of my life!”  Harley sings, excitement dancing in her eyes.  “You’re right, you don’t understand.  There’s a magic to his madness!”

“You remind me of the moth, drawn to the bright, mesmerizing, heat of the flame.  But it always ends the same way.  The moth stays too close, for too long, singeing its wings and falling into the fire.”  Ivy grabs Harley by the shoulders, facing her.  “You’re smarter than a moth, Harley.  Act like it.”

“Ivyyyyyy!!”  The Riddler’s voice rings out from the corridor.  “Where are you?”

“In here.”  Ivy calls back, turning toward the door, thinking _.   I’ve said all I can say. And if I hear Harley say how wonderful Joker is again, I’ll probably throttle her myself._

“What’s up?”  She asks, exiting the restroom with Harley behind her.  Ed’s grinning manically, his eyes lit with glee.

“I was able to access my mainframe on your PC.  And now my, dare I say, BRILLIANT, plan is underway.”  Edward proudly proclaims. “I just need to make a phone call first.”

“Let me guess, to leave a riddle.”  Ivy says with a laugh.

“Aww baby, you know me so well.”  He says, giving Ivy a quick peck on the cheek.  Harley rolls her eyes, thinking.   _Everybody knows that about you Ed_.  They all head back to Ivy’s ‘living room’ together. 

 

 

The Penguin is staring out the old rooming house’s front window.  He’s been chain smoking.  A grayish haze hangs in the air of the front parlor, where he sits absently tapping his foot on the floor.  He checks his watch, frowning when he notes it’s only been six minutes since the last time he checked.  It felt like much longer.  _Where the hell is Firefly.  He should have been here fifteen minutes ago!_   His phone rings. He sees Ivy’s name on the screen.

“Who is this.”  He barks into the phone.

“It’s me.”  The Riddler cheerfully replies.  “First of all, I want you to know that **if** you had brought Harley to the park, I would have returned with you.  I’m a man of my word.  But, seeing how she brought herself here, the deal’s off.”

“Then why are you calling?”  Penguin hisses.

“To offer you an even better deal.”

“Keep talking.”  Penguin says, sitting back in his chair and crossing his legs.

“Well, I hacked into the pay-per-view site and there are over four million orders for the fight already.  At $100 a pop, that’s close to half a billion.”

“Yes, I can do the math.  What’s your point?”

“We’ll do the fight…for a reasonable cut of the action.”

“That figure you cited is the gross receipts, the cable operator takes a hefty chunk off the top, not to mention my expenses…”

“We want 50 percent of the net.”

“WHAT!  FIFTY PERCENT! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?”  Penguin screams, jumping to his feet.

“Well, you can give us the fifty percent or you can keep 100 percent of zero.  Because that’s all you’ll get if Joker and I don’t show up.”

“How about this.  I tear that park to pieces and drag you both back here.”

“I’ll never let you do that.”

“And how will you stop us?”  Penguin challenges.  Eddie smiles, this is the moment he’s been waiting for.

 

“A worker serving his queen

The humming of a machine

A boring teacher’s voice

Today’s weapon of choice.  What am I?”

 

“And what if I don’t answer?”

“You’ll see in 5…4…3…2…1” 

 **KA-BOOM!**   A huge explosion goes off in front of the rooming house.  Penguin can feel the entire building shake.  He looks out the window.  His eyes grow large as saucers, his mouth gaping.  There’s an inferno raging outside and at least three cars are ablaze.  He can feel the heat through the window glass.  Two Face, Mr. Freeze, and a posse of goons come running, from the kitchen, to see what the commotion is about.  There’s a knock at the front door and everybody pulls their guns.

“Open the damn door!  A fuckin’ drone just blew up my car!”  Firefly shouts.   Penguin opens the door and Firefly shambles in.  Tendrils of smoke rise from his suit, as he bats out a small flame on his arm.  “Damn napalm, it’s a real bugger to put out.” He complains.    

“Where’s your napalm cannon?”  Penguin asks, knowing the answer, but needing to hear it.

“Where in blue blazes do you think it is!”  Firefly yells, grabbing Penguin by the lapel.  “Blown to bits with my damn car, that’s where!”  He screeches in anguish, dropping his arms.  His face hardens, and he pokes a finger in Penguin’s chest.  “And you owe me for this Fatboy!”  Penguin’s body tenses at the sound of his last word.  With blurring speed, Penguin knees him in the crouch.  As Firefly leans over in pain, grabbing his jewels; Penguin quickly follows up with a brutal right uppercut, knocking him to the floor.

“The name is Penguin!”  Oswald screams, delivering a swift kick to his ribs.  “And I’ll pay you what I said I’ll pay you.  What did you think I was inviting you to—a Sunday afternoon picnic!”  Penguin growls.  He turns to his henchmen, who are waiting, on alert, for his signal to jump in. “Get this disrespectful cretin out of here.”  Penguin orders, walking back into the parlor; his fists clenched and breath coming out in hard huffs.  He sees his phone on the chair and snatches it up to his ear.

 

A few minutes earlier, back at Robinson Park…

Eddie and Ivy are sitting on the couch.  Ivy is holding the phone between them, the speaker on.  The sound of an explosion booms on the other end of the line.  Ivy jerks at the sound, her eyes wide with surprise.  She laughs, mildly embarrassed by her reaction.  The both turn to the computer on Ed’s lap and stare at the live video of the burning cars, being beamed to them from the drone high above the scene.

“YES!”  The Riddler exclaims with glee, his feet tapping the floor excitedly, as he holds the laptop steady.  “Penguin? Penguin?  Are you there?”  He calls into the phone.  He pauses a moment but gets no response.  “I guess he’s stepped away.”  He chortles.  “Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”

“I bet he’ll be ready to make a deal when he does.”  Ivy says, smiling broadly.

“No doubt.”  Ed agrees.  They wait for Penguin’s return.  Ed nibbles at her neck.  She throws her head back and grunts softly.  She trembles, as he sucks at her pulse point. Time slips away…

“YOU SLIMEY MAGGOT!  YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!”  Penguin screams on the other end of the line.  They both startle at the sound and pull apart.  Ivy grabs her phone from the floor.

“Do you have the answer to my riddle now?” Ed teases.

“Yes, it’s I’m going to kill you.”  Penguin snarls.

“No, the answer is drone and I have a whole fleet of them.  I was able to buy a lot of cool toys with the billion dollars Bruce Wayne gave me.  Would you like me to show you some more of them?”

“If you have so many toys, why didn’t you use them during the war with Joker?”

“Once Batman joined my side, there was no need.  As much as I despise that caped nuisance, I must admit, he can kick some ass.”  Eddie laughs.  “Now, I’ve always heard that you’re an exceptionally clever fellow and a shrewd businessman.  Do you really want to walk away from hundreds of millions of dollars?  If I can overlook being kidnapped and thrown into a cell with Joker, surely you’re able to stomach a few bombed cars.”  The Penguin grimaces and grits his teeth on the other side of the line.

“Thirty percent of net pay-per-view revenue, after expenses.”  Penguin growls.

“Forty.  And tomorrow morning I’ll throw in a promotional video of me and Joker to hype last minute orders.”  Ed counters.

“Deal.”  Penguin agrees, ending the call.  Ivy turns to Ed, biting her lip.

“How are you going to get Joker to go along with all this?”  She asks worriedly.  He gives her a dazzling smile.

“That, my dear, is the most delightfully, devious part of my plan.”

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The Joker’s eyes pop open, all his senses on high alert.  _Did I just hear the Penguin’s voice?  Or was I dreaming?_   He takes in his surroundings.  He’s never been here before.  He’s in a bed, covers drawn up to his chin.  Harley is snuggled beside him, asleep, her head resting on his chest.  He turns toward the room’s open door.  He peers into the adjoining room.  He sees Eddie and Ivy sitting on a couch.  Neither one of them are looking in his direction; their gaze is fixed on the cell phone in Ivy’s hand.  He closes his eyes and listens.

After the call has ended, he hears Ivy ask. “How are you going to get Joker to go along with all this?”  He hears Ed’s cryptic response and wonders.  _Yes Ed, exactly how do you plan to do that?_

“Well?  Are you going to tell me?”  Ivy asks anxiously, as Ed starts typing into her laptop.  Ed types a few more keystrokes and closes the laptop.  He glances over at Harley and the Joker.  They both appear to be sleeping.

“I need to ask you a question first.”  Ed says.  “Were you able to figure out why the Joker is immune to your pheromones?”  Ivy blinks, obviously taken aback by the question.

“No, not really.  I wasn’t able to identify any foreign substances, like the pheromone-blocker you used.  But it may be genetic, he appears to have naturally occurring neurotoxic defenses like those like those found in some poisonous amphibians.”

“Did you gather additional samples to further your research?”

“No, when you’re examining something on a molecular level a large sample isn’t need—Wait, you already know that, don’t you!  Damn it, Ed!  Why don’t you just ask me what you really want to know!” Ivy fumed.  “How many times did I fuck the Joker!” 

“Yes, I admit.  I am curious about that, but it doesn’t really matter to me and it’s not why I originally asked.  I hoped he was using a pheromone blocker, too.  Without access to the blocker, you could pheromone him into going along with all this fight stuff.”

“I hope that wasn’t your delightfully devious plan.”

“No, of course not.  But it would have been a lot simpler, than my plan.”

“So, what is your plan?”  Ivy asked, again.  Ed glanced over at the sleeping Harley and the Joker.

“Let’s go outside.  I could use some air.”  Ed grabs the laptop and stands up.  Ivy follows suit and they head for the door.  They both turn around at the sound of footsteps behind them.

“Yes, tell us Ed.  What is your plan?”  The Joker asks, standing in the living room, his arms crossed at his chest.  The Joker wasn’t smiling, but there was a hint of glee shining in his silver-blue eyes.  Ed’s eyes narrow, his lips forming a hard line.  Ivy steps up, placing herself between the two men.

“We were on our way out, come with us.” Ivy tells him, turning toward the door.  The three go outside.  They all sit on a bench, Ivy between them.

“OK Ed, tell us your plan.” The Joker says, crossing his legs and leaning forward, his chin resting on his palm.  Ed glances at Ivy and she gets a small nod.

“The Penguin has agreed to give us a 40% cut of the net pay-per-view revenue, in exchange for doing the fight.  That’s 20% for me and 20% for you.  Based on sales so far, we’re both box office gold.   We should clear at least $100 million apiece.” Ed tells him.

“That’s a tempting offer, but would you be willing to sweeten the deal?” The Joker asks, his red lips widening into a lupine-like grin.

“How so?” the Riddler asks, his brow creasing.

“Your cool toys, the ones you bought with Bruce Wayne’s money.  I want those if I win.”  Ed’s eyes widen, as he realizes the Joker had been eavesdropping much longer than he thought.

“And what do I get if I win?  What can you offer me of equal value?” Eddie counters.  The Joker waves his hand dismissively.

“Whatever, it’s really a moot point.  You’ll never beat me.”

“Well, if you’re so sure of victory, you won’t mind throwing the formula for Joker venom, it’s antidote, the Jokermobile, and a pint of your blood into the pot.”

“So, you’re out for blood, eh?” The Joker says with a sinister chuckle.  Ed only grins in response.  “Okay, it’s a deal.” The Joker says, extending a hand to Ed.  Ed takes it and they shake.  The Joker’s grip tightens, uncomfortably, on Ed’s hand.  Ed, in turn, puts more pressure on Joker’s hand, squeezing it cruelly.  Ivy slaps both their hands and the men release their grips.  _Do men ever really grow up?_   Ivy wonders with a sigh.

“I suggest you both put on some decent suits before you make the promotional video.” Ivy says, getting up from the bench.  “Both of you look a sight in those borrowed clothes.” Both men simultaneously look down at their outfits.

“I look magnificent in everything I wear, even when it’s nothing at all.” The Joker replies with a haughty lift of his chin.  “But I can certainly find something better that Two Face’s garish gear to sport.”  He adds, his lips twisting in disgust, as he glances at the trousers he’s wearing—one leg navy and other light blue.  “HARLEEEEEY!”  He calls out, walking back into the house.

“You know, I think he’s actually looking forward to this.” Ivy said with a smile.

“Did you notice how his eyes lit up when I said we were box office gold?”

“Penguin told me how, during the war, the Joker would make grandiose presentations on the theater’s stage, making everyone sit in the seats like adoring fans.”

“Letting his inner diva run amok, eh?”  They both laugh.  Eddie grabs the laptop.  “Come here, there’s something I need to tell you before we go by my place.”   He whispers in her ear.  Ivy nods, raising her eyebrows and thinking.  _This man is full of surprises, but I like it._

“OK, let me grab a few things and we can go.” Ivy tells him, as she goes back into the house.  When she goes in, she sees the Joker sitting on the couch with his legs crossed, drumming his fingers on the armrest.  Harley is in the spare room, busily packing her things.  Ivy walks into the room.

“So, you’re going back to him.” Ivy says, leaning in the doorway.

“Please Ivy, don’t do this now.  Not in front of him.” Harley pleads, her voice a barely above a whisper.

“This is my house and I can say what I want to say.”

“Ivy, everyone’s getting along for the moment, please don’t fuck it up.” Harley hisses.  She closes her bag and snatches it off the bed.  “You’re my friend Ivy, but he’s my man and you need to learn to respect that.” Harley pushes her way past Ivy and leaves the room.  She turns to the Joker.  “I got everything.  Let’s go.” She walks outside.  The Joker stands up and walks over to Ivy.  He leans over, his lips nearly touching her ear.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you didn’t like me.” The Joker says with a grin.  “But we know there was a time when you did like me, **_a lot_**.  Have you ever told her about that?” He chuckles wickedly, because he already knows…the answer is no.  The Riddler walks in and the Joker gives him a sly smile.  “Come to the theater in two hours, we should do the video there.  The acoustics are outstanding.”  He gives them a little wave and leaves.  Eddie looks at Ivy, concerned by the worried expression on her face.

“Is everything OK?” He asks, walking over to her.  “What did he do?” Eddie asks, anger tingeing his words.  Ivy looks down shaking her head.

“Nothing.” She mumbles.  She grabs her purse and her phone.  She gives him a weak smile.  “C’mon, let’s go.”  Several minutes later, they reach her convertible and she tosses him her keys.  He catches them and notes her sullen expression, in the glow of the street lamps.  “You drive.” She says.

“Ivy, it’s obvious something is bothering you.  Please, tell me.” He asks, getting into the driver’s seat.

“It’s Harley.  She’s gone back to him.” He doesn’t reply, and she keeps talking.  “Did you see her neck?” He nods in response.  “Why does she let him treat her like that?” She growls.  “All it took was one black eye and I got the hell away from him.”

“You were couple?” He asks, more than a little surprised.  He pulls the car away from the curb, waiting for her answer.

“I don’t know what we were.” She angrily tells him.  She takes a deep breath.  “When I first became Poison Ivy, I was drunk on my new-found power; but also, alone and aimless.  I did a lot of stupid, crazy things.  I robbed a bank and I was walking out with two incredibly heavy bags of cash.  The Joker came over to me and offered to help me carry my heavy load.  I was cocky, confident that my pheromones allowed me to control any man.  I handed him the bags and instructed him to bring them to my car.  He walked off in the opposite direction.  I screamed after him, demanding him to come back.  He laughed, jumped into his car and drove away.

I was so angry, I felt like I was about to explode; but I was also intrigued.  _How did he do that?  How did he ignore my command?_ I wondered.  I was determined to find the answer.  I tracked him down.  I got to his hideout and compelled his goons to follow my commands.  They lifted their guns and pointed them at the Joker.  ‘Give me back my money!’ I demanded.  He laughed at me. 

‘We’re alike you and I’ he said. ‘We’ve both been through hell and walked out the other side, different but infinitely better.’ I looked at his unnaturally white skin and my own green hue.  That empty, lonely chasm inside me, responded to his words.  He could be extremely charming when he wanted to.  He made me believe we were the same, two damaged souls…destined to be together.  I can understand how he lured Harley in.  He’s a master at finding your weaknesses, then exploiting them to his own ends.” Ed nodded knowingly, recalling the things the Joker had said to him while they were incarcerated together.

“How did it end?” He asked.

“I pulled a heist without telling him beforehand.  He was livid when he found out.  Told me how I was not allowed to do things like that without his permission.  Then I was pissed.  I told him I was my own person and I did need his permission to do anything.  He hauled off and punched me in the face; knocked me out cold.  When I came to, I was in bed, cradled in his arms.  He told me how I put myself in danger, pulling the heist without his knowledge and protection.  That all he wanted to do was keep me safe.  I meant the world to him, he said.  Told me that he didn’t think he could live without me.    Part of me wanted to just snuggle into his embrace.  His strong arms and soft, tender words were so comforting.  And his eyes.  Staring into their steel-grey depths was mesmerizing; like watching a raging fire, it was hard to look away.  I let him hold me.  I let him make love to m—me.” Ivy voice broke, trailing off into quiet sobs.  Ed pulled the car over.  You reached out to her, wiping the tears away.  He kissed her forehead.  His hands on her cheeks as he looked at her.

“But you were strong enough to walk away.  Your inner strength pulled you through.” He told her.  She nodded, wiping her eyes.  She swallowed and took a deep shaky breath.

“Later, after we had finished, I saw my reflection in the mirror.  My eye was black and almost swollen shut.  It occurred to me that he never apologized.  I knew at that moment, if I accepted this, it wouldn’t be the last time and I’d always be under his thumb.  I waited until he left.  I packed my bags and got the hell away from there. 

When he found out I was gone, he tracked me down and confronted me.  I was in the park.  He said all the right things, really laying on the charm.  But being in the park with my green babies calling out to me; telling me they could hear the lies beneath his words, gave me new strength.  I told him it was over, we were done.  Hearing my words, rage exploded in his eyes.  He grabbed me by the throat, his grip like iron; I couldn’t breathe.  But thoughts were all I needed to call forth my babies.  They rose up from the earth, snatching him away from me, entwining themselves around him.  Now he was the one that couldn’t breathe.  The vines encircled his neck, choking the life from him.  I made them stop.  He fell to the ground coughing and gasping for air.  He stood up, his face hard as granite.  He sprayed me with Joker venom.  I stared at him, in shock, I knew its fumes were fatal.  _He wants to kill me!_   My mind screamed.  But nothing happened, I felt perfectly fine.  I walked up to him and stared directly into his cold hard eyes.  ‘Leave while you still can.’  I told him.  And he did.  He was sent to Arkham shortly after that.  When he got out, Harley was at his side.”  

“Do you ever miss him?”  Ed quietly asked, as he watched her face, interested in seeing her reaction.  She laughed.

“Yeah, about as much as I miss Arkham.”  She said with a chuckle, as he started the engine and drove off.  “Okay, now you can tell me one of your failed love stories.” She added with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.

“Well, there was Angela Visscher in ninth grade.  She broke my heart when I caught her kissing Tommy Williams behind the bleachers.” He answered with a smile.

“No fair, I give you a heart-wrenching account of domestic abuse and near-death experiences and all I get in return are puppy love Chronicles.” Ivy teases, but her smile fades as she sees the pained expression on Ed’s face.  Ed recovers quickly, turning to her with a wide smile.

“So, how did you and Harley become besties?”  He cheerfully asks, hoping Ivy won’t notice his abrupt change of topic.  Thankfully, she doesn’t.

“We did a stint in Arkham together.  It only took us a couple of weeks to bust out of there, but by then we were thick as thieves.  It helps a lot to have someone watching your back when you’re a woman in Arkham.  The place is just crawling with lunatic sex offenders.  You can just feel their eyes strolling over your body every time you’re in a room with one of them.  The worst part is when they start jerking off while they’re doing it.  There were a lot of mysteriously broken hands while we were there.” Ivy says with a crooked grin, that mischievous glow back in her eyes.  “Like all of us _psycho killers_.” Ivy makes air quotes with her fingers.  “Harley can be cold, calculating and ruthless, but underneath that tough exterior she’s a sweet kid.”

“Does Harley know about you and Joker’s, uh, history?” Ed asks, pulling into his apartment complex’s garage.  Ed pulls into his parking spot.  Noticing that Ivy never answered his question, he turns to her.  She’s looking down at her lap, wringing her hands.  He notes the tears glistening in her eyes.  He put his arm around her.  “I guess that’s a no.” he says solemnly.  Ivy sniffs and nods her head.  She blinks a few times, wiping her eyes before looking up at him.

“The Joker threatened to tell her today, when he heard me make a comment about her going back to him.”

“He won’t tell right away.  If I know him, he’s gonna keep that ace up his sleeve until she threatens to leave him.  You should tell her first.  Snatch the ace right out of his sleeve.”

“Do you think she’ll hate me for keeping something like this from her?”

“Honestly, I don’t know, but the longer you keep the secret from her, the more it will hurt when she hears it.”

“You’re right.” Ivy admits with a heavy sigh.  They get out of the car and walk into the building’s lobby.  Ivy’s smiles when she sees the Penguin and two of his goons standing in the lobby.

“About time you got here.  I’ve been waiting almost 10 minutes.” Penguin squawks.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Ed says, pressing the elevator call button.  “Too many eyes and ears down here.” He says glancing up at the lobby camera.  They take the elevator to the penthouse.  The door opens and they’re in the foyer of Ed’s apartment.  Ed opens the foyer door and the three of them enter his apartment, leaving the two goons in the foyer to keep watch.  Ivy gasps, as she enters the living room.  It looks like something out of a high-end magazine.  Brightly polished marble floors, elegant sculptures, beautiful works of art gracing the walls, tasteful minimalistic modern furniture, and then there’s the floor to ceiling windows spanning the entire room.  Ivy walks over to the windows and gawks at the panoramic view of the Gotham City’s skyline and bay _.  It’s breathtaking._   She thinks.  Ed sees her reaction, a tightness forming in his chest.  It’s the response he was praying for.  He walks over to the well-stocked bar.

“Can I get either of you something to drink?” He asks.  Ivy shakes her head as she continues to gaze out the window.

“I’ll have a cognac.” Penguin responses.  Ed pulls a $1200 bottle of cognac from the shelf and pours a glass, handing it to Penguin.  Penguin nods in acknowledgement, as he notes the label on the bottle.  The Riddler shows him to the couch and they both take a seat.

“I know you’re a busy man, especially tonight with so much last-minute planning for the fight, so I’ll get right to the point." Ed begins.  "As you probably know, Carmine Falcone’s niece, Lucia Viti, is hungry for the Joker’s head on a plate.  After what he did to her grandmother, I can’t blame her.  She’s put out a five-million-dollar contract on his life.  I’d like to help you cash in on that contract.  Before the fight even starts.”

“Normally, I’d be glad to take you up on your offer for assistance, but your timing is all wrong.  If the Joker doesn’t show up in that ring for the opening round, we all miss out on our big payday.” The Penguin says, taking a drink from his glass.

“The Joker may not be in the ring, but no one will be the wiser.  I know this guy that’s does really great impersonations.” Ed says, and the Penguin gives him a knowing smile.

“Clayface, right?” The Penguin guesses.  Ed nods in agreement.  “I imagine it won’t be any surprise to you that I’ve already reserved his services for the night, just in case things didn’t work out with you or the Joker.” The Penguin adds with a sly smile.

“Yes, that’s what I figured when he told me he had a prior engagement for tomorrow night.  I guess great minds think alike.”

“So, how exactly, will you be helping?” The Penguin asks. “I’ve already got the whole thing covered.  My plan is to deliver the Joker to Lucia right after the fight.  She’s already booked a ringside seat for the event.”

“I’ll let Ivy tell you.” Ed replies.  Ivy turns away from the window, faces the men and smiles. 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

The Joker flings open the doors to the theater’s auditorium.  He pauses for a moment at the entrance, thinking.  _Home at last!_   His eyes sweep over the scene.  The stage, it’s polished floor; the plush, red velvet curtains with gold tassels.  Beautifully framed in the rich glow of the footlights.  Hundreds of seats, all in matching red velvet.  And the walls, lined with posters emblazoned with the Joker’s face and the words ‘The Joke is on You’.

Satisfied that nothing has been disturbed, he walks down the aisle like a conquering monarch; his strides long, his shoulders squared, and his head held high.  Harley prances happily behind him.  She loved seeing him like this; exuding strength, confidence, invincibility.  He walks up on the stage.  Harley, knowing her part, takes a seat in the front row.

“Tomorrow we go into battle!” He announces; his voice thunderous, his arms out-stretched and hands spread wide.  “But this battle will not be in the ring.  It will not be a battle of brawn.  It will be a battle of wits.  I know Edward Nygma.  He is not a man to rely on physical prowess to win the day.  He knows his most potent weapon is his mind.  But what he doesn’t realize is that it is also his greatest weakness.  He believes himself the smartest man in Gotham City.  And that overconfidence, that hubris, will be his downfall.  For tomorrow it is I that will emerge TRIUMPHANT!”  He exclaims, his fist flying upward.  Harley leaps from her seat, clapping and cheering.

“YEAH, THE RIDDLER’S GONNA GET HIS ASS WHUPPED!” She yells, bouncing from foot to foot, as she does a little shadow-boxing.  The Joker jumps off the stage; his eyes gleaming wildly, his grin wide and brilliant.  Harley runs into his arms.  She looks up at him, in all his manic glory, and cries out excitedly.  “All Gotham will know the Joker is its King!”

“And you, my dear, can be its queen.” He tells her, his voice soft and solemn.  He wraps his arms around her, giving her a quick peck on the top of her head.  “But the shoes of the queen are hard to fill.  For a queen must always serve her king.”  He places a finger under her chin, lifting her head, as he gazes into her eyes.  “Now, my first command.  Tell me, why did you move all of your things to Ivy’s?” Harley looks down at her feet, biting her lip.  She takes a deep and shaky breath.  She looks up at him.

“Ivy convinced me I had to leave you.  She didn’t hafta to try that hard.  I was so angry at you for leaving me in Arkham.  You know how much I hate that place, but you left me there…alone.”

“But now, you understand why I left you there?”

“Uh huh, ta keep me safe.”  Hearing her response, he smiled.  _I knew she was listening, I knew she would believe._  He inwardly chuckled.  _And if she bought that, she’s really gonna eat this up._

“That’s right baby.” He croons.  “No one must know how precious you actually are to me.  How I cannot live without you.  It’s why I treat you so poorly.  Why I bruise you in places others will see.  If anyone ever learns how I really feel about you, it would place a target on your back.  Tell me you understand why I can’t let that happen.” Harley nods.

“I understand.” She whispers softly, tightening her embrace. 

“I need to know that you’ll never let anyone come between us again.  Are you willing to forsake all others, even Ivy, to stand at my side?”  Harley inhales sharply, taken aback by his question.  His eyes narrow and jaw tightens, as she hesitates to answer.  “Well?” He prods, gently kissing her forehead, his teeth clenched.  Harley nods, her head against his chest.  He frowns at her less than enthusiastic response. _I guess I’ll need to step up my game._   He decides, grabbing Harley’s arms and removing himself from her embrace.  He walks over to the stage, hoists himself up and sits on the edge, his calves dangling over the side.  He stares up at the balcony of empty seats.

“Puddin?  What’s wrong?” Harley asks, a slight tremor in her voice.  She walks over to him, placing a hand on his knee.  He slaps her hand away.

“You need to make a choice, Harley.  The Penguin’s plan is, and always has been, to kill me after the fight.  Ivy and Riddler are also in on his plan.”

“N-No, not Red.”  Harley says, wide-eyed and shaking her head.  “She promised me she wouldn’t let him kill you.”

“See, that’s the problem, that’s what’s wrong.”

“Huh?  What do you mean?”

“Isn’t it obvious!  You believe Ivy, but you don’t believe **_me_**.”  He hisses, his lips curling in disgust.  He lifts his arm and points to the door.  “Get out!  Go to her!”  He shouts.  “She’s at the Riddler’s penthouse with the Penguin; as we speak.  The three of them, together, plotting against me.”  She stands there looking shell-shocked, as she recalls the brief phone call he’d made on the drive over.  She knows, he’s always had loyal acolytes, across the city, keeping tabs on many of the other Rouges. 

 “I know you’re telling the truth.” She says.  “I just don’t want to believe it.” She adds, her voice tiny and remorseful.  “She’s my best friend.” The Joker jumps down from the stage and places a consoling hand on Harley’s shoulder.

“There, there, I understand your pain.  I know what you’re going through.” He tells her, his voice warm and solicitous, as he gently massages her shoulder.  “When your best friend turns on you and keeps secrets, it hurts like a punch to the gut.  In my case, it’s literally, a punch to the gut.” She leans her head against his chest and closes her eyes.

“The world may be a cold cruel place, but we’ve got each other to keep us warm.” She tells him, wrapping her arm around his waist.

“Or we could bathe in the still-warm blood of our enemies.  That’ll keep us nice and toasty.” He throws back his head and laughs, the dark and sinister sound reverberating throughout the auditorium.

“No matter how bad it gets, I can always count on you to make me laugh.” Harley replies with a giggle. 

“Now I’m going to ask you again, are you willing to forsake all others to stand at my side?” Harley stands up straight, like a soldier at attention, her eyes meeting his.

“YES!  Willing and able!” She shouts.  The Joker smiles.  _That’s more like it.  That’s my Harley!_   He inwardly cheers.

“Let’s go and get dressed.  We have a performance tonight.”

 

The Riddler steps out of the master bathroom into his adjoining bedroom.  Ivy is sitting on the bed waiting for him.  He looks at her, thinking.  _She’s the most powerful and seductive woman in Gotham City.  And she’s mine.  A living, breathing testament to my greatness.  She could have any man, but she’s chosen me._ The thought brings a smile to his face.

Ivy looks up at him.  Fresh out of the shower, he’s naked, but for the towel wrapped around his waist.  Her eyes roll over his body, the muscular chest, the defined six pack, the rippling biceps.  And that smile, bright and dazzling, it lights his handsome face.  _He’s beautiful._   She thinks.  _Beautiful and brilliant!  I’ve always had a weakness for intelligent men.  True, it’s been a train wreck on more than one occasion, but this time will be different._   She tells herself.  _He’s not like the others.  He was willing to sacrifice himself to save Harley; to make me happy.  And I’m gonna make him very happy_.

“How did it go with Penguin?” He asks, walking over to her.

“Perfectly, just as you said it would.  He’s been given his instructions and he will follow them to the letter.”

“Excellent.” He says, bending over and placing a kiss on her forehead.  Ed’s grin falls a bit, as she turns around and starts rummaging through her large handbag.

“What are you looking for?” He asks, looking over her shoulder. 

“This!”  She says, pulling a cosmetic bag from her purse.  She turns back to him, running her finger over the question mark shaped scar on his chest.  “I want to give your eroteme a bit of glam for the camera.”  She tells him.  Ed smiles delighted at the idea and even more delighted to hear her use the formal name for a ‘question mark’.   She takes her green eyeliner and begins to draw; outlining the puckered skin of his eroteme-shaped scar with a precise, type-face border.  Inside the border she adds a delicate filigree of swirling lines and tiny symmetrical shapes. Green eye shadow, in multiple shades, adds depth and definition.  She completes the design and points to the full-length mirror behind him.

“Look at it.  Tell me what you think.”  She instructs.   The Riddler walks to the mirror and gasps in amazement.  The crude scar has been transformed into a work of art.   

“It’s fabulous!”  Eddie gushes, inspecting her handiwork.  “The design, inside the question mark’s border, it’s absolutely gorgeous.  What is it?”

“It’s tiny leaves of ivy on a swirling vine.  Every Champion should carry a token from his Lady into battle.  It’s good luck.”

“I look at you and I can’t believe how lucky I already am.”

“You’re about to get even luckier.” She teases, snatching the towel from his waist.

 

 

The Joker stands under the hot shower, his eyes closed.  He’s experiencing the dual sensation of the steaming water pelting his body and Harley’s hands, massaging soap onto his back.  Every so often, she pauses to sprinkle his back with light kisses.  His body reacts to her touch.  He turns around and faces her.  Rubbing his body against hers.  She feels his hardness between them and whines softly.  She catches his nipple between her teeth and bites…hard, just the way he likes it.  She feels the shudder move through his body, the twitch of his joystick on her tummy. 

“Do you have a condom?”  He whispers softly into her ear.  She looks up at him, her eyebrows raised.  They never bothered with them before.

“Wh-What!  Why??” She stutters.

“The venom, it’s probably still in my system.  I can’t have you blacking out…or worse.” He reminds her.

“Oh shit!” She says with a stomp of her foot.  “I forgot all about that.” She pouts.

“Don’t fret, we’ll have time later.  After the video.  I’ll call someone; have them bring over few packs.” He tells her, palming her buttocks, as his strong fingers sink into the soft flesh.  His tongue dances across her ear and she sighs, her body melting into his.  He lifts her into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist; his hardness hot against her tender clit.  Harley releases a shuddered breath, as his body presses against her most sensitive place.  “Now, you should go get dressed.” He taunts, grinning evilly as he pivots, trapping her naked body between him and the shower wall.  He rocks against her, his movements slow, languid and thick with passion.  Her chest heaves with heavy pants, as she closes her eyes and savors the feel of his flesh on hers.  Small bird-like squeaks erupt from her throat and he smiles in the knowledge that she’s always be putty in his arms.

“Puddin…pleasssse.”  She whines; her moist, heated portal aching for his entrance.  She grabs a fistful of his hair, cruelly pulling his head back; exposing his long, white throat.  She bites into the cool, pale skin; the imprint of her teeth red, like a trail of blood on a snow swept landscape.  He growls, his body unable to deny she knows its weaknesses, as well as he knows hers.  He lifts her hips, lining up his bulbous head at her dripping folds.  He teases her, his cock at her hole, not quite piercing its lips.  She trembles at his throbbing heat on her wetness; trying to shimmy down and capture him inside her.  He lets her begin to envelop him, his hard helmet stretching the muscles ringing the mouth of her hungry canal. She groans, as he tightens his hold, halting her descent. Barely an inch inside her, he makes his cock jerk, teasing her with its tip.  Unwilling to be denied her prize, wraps her fingers around his neck, his windpipe narrowed in her grasp.  “Give it to me!”  She demands.

“But the venom…”  He wheezes slyly with a twitch of his cock.  She gasps at the movement, her body growing warmer, wetter, more desperate.

“I DON’T CARE!”  She cries, placing her lips at his ear.  “What better death…than to die on your dick.” She whispers hoarsely, intensifying her grip on his throat.  He feels her fingers digging into his neck.  _Such_ _sweet_ _agony_.  He opens his mouth to answer but is unable to seize a breath.  He grabs her hips and plunges into her warm wet hole.  “YESSS!” She screams, as he takes her.  The fit perfect, like a key in a lock, unleashing a flood of sensations; she feels herself washed away on a wave of ecstasy.  She loses her grip on his neck.  She loses her grip on reality; the world is whisked away.

Nothing exists, but him moving inside her…as only he knows how.  His every movement, every thrust beyond anything she has known with any other man.  Hitting spots inside her she’d never known she had.  Her eyes squeeze shut, her mouth hangs open; as he pounds into her, giving her that thick slice of heaven she craves. 

He looks at her face, contorted in ecstasy.  Her eyes closed tight, a tear rolling from one corner.  Her lips quiver, incoherent sounds floating from her throat.  He hasn’t come, but he knows his fluids have been seeping inside her.  He wonders what his venom will do to her.  He continues to plunge into her soft silken warmth.  She’s good…really good.  It’s hard to stay detached.  It’s hard to remain an observer, on the outside looking in.  It’s hard…not to fall in love.  _STOP!!_   His mind screams.  _There’s no place for love in chaos.  Love means there’s something that’s real.  Love means there’s something to lose. NOOOO!  IT’S NOT REAL!  IT’S ALL A GAME!_

His hand curls around her neck, his fingers tighten.  He can feel her pulse drumming through her veins.  He continues to slam into her.  His cock the dagger that will split her in two.  He feels himself growing harder, swelling, filling every inch of her.  Her body reacts to the lack of oxygen, her muscles constrict fiercely around him.  He can’t hold back.  He comes inside her, his cock jerking in pleasure as he releases his load.  Her body convulsing madly around his.

She can’t hear, she can’t see, but OH GOD!!  She can feel!  Hanging on a precipice, death at the door.  Then she falls over the edge, her every nerve ending singing, screaming, tearing her asunder!  For what could be more exceptionally exquisite than the orgasm experienced on the brink of death.

Her body grows heavy on his arm.  He releases her neck, grabbing her waist before she can slip from his grip.  He carries her to the bed.  _Wait!  I still need her!  My plan! OOPS!  How did I forget?_ He starts giving her mouth to mouth, only stopping to pound on her chest.  He refuses to give up. _She always comes back…doesn’t she?_ She starts coughing, the sound ragged and raw.  Her eyes open, unfocused and heavy-lidded.  He pulls her into his arms.

“You shouldn’t tell me you want to die on my dick.” He tells her with a smile.  “You know I’ll anything to make you happy.”


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Harley ties the green silk ribbon around Joker’s neck, like a bow on a shoe.  After ensuring the loops are symmetrical and lying perfectly in place; she takes a few steps back and gazes at him with adoration.

“You look spectacular!” She gushes, as her eyes wander over his orange shirt, purple vest, matching tuxedo and tails.  “Handsome, strong, invincible.”  She adds, her voice flush with awe and admiration.  He has the perfect body for clothes, tall and slim.  But his slender build is deceiving.  Beneath his expensive garments, is an exquisite physique; rippling with taut, sinewy muscles.  Muscles which allow him to move with a speed and agility a cheetah or cobra might envy.

“You’re looking good, too kiddo.” He remarks, pleased that she’s wearing his favorite outfit; her black and red, skintight harlequin suit with matching cowl.  Harley’s cheeks pinken, as she giggles in delight.

“You were on the phone a long time.” She asks, still smiling.  “What’s going on?”

“You remember Lucia Viti, right.”  

“Uh, the Chicago mob boss, right?  Carmine Falcone’s niece, took over the Chicago families after her mom died?

“Yup, that’s the one. ”

“What about her?”

“She’s put a contract out on me.” The Joker says with a casual nonchalance, as he adjusts the flower in his lapel.

“Why does Lucia want you dead?”

“I pulled out all of her grandmother’s teeth and made a smile with them on Carmine’s desk.”

“Yeah, that might get her panties in a bunch.” 

“It wasn’t as bad as it sounds.  I knocked her unconscious before I yanked her final tooth.   She should look on the bright side.  She’ll never hafta worry about cavities again.”  The Joker says with an obscenely wide, nightmare-inducing grin.  

“And they call you heartless.” Harley chuckles.  “So how much is the contract for?”

“Five million.” Harley whistles softly.

“Well, at least she’s not a cheapskate.” She says, putting the final touches on her lipstick.  She turns away from the mirror and looks at him.  “If she wants the Joker that bad, she should definitely get him.” Harley says with a wicked smile.

“Agreed.  She’s due to arrive in Gotham tomorrow afternoon.”  The Joker replies, sticking his handgun in his shoulder holster.  “Let’s head downstairs to the theater.  Our guests should be arriving soon.”

 

Later in the theater…

The Joker is sitting on the stage in a throne-like chair adorned with ornately carved woodwork and lush purple velvet upholstery.  His legs are crossed; and Harley sits on the floor beside him, her head leaning on his lap.  He’s frowning and drumming his fingers on the arm of the chair, as he stares at the door to the theater’s auditorium.  _They’re late and I don’t like to be kept waiting_.  There’s a sound of a small commotion in the theater’s lobby and the Joker smiles, wondering.  _Perhaps this will be worth the wait._  

Harley jumps to her feet, as the doors to the theater are thrown open.  She’s holding an automatic rifle and it’s pointed at the door.

“Now is that any way to greet an old friend?” Ivy purrs, walking down the aisle arm-in-arm with the Riddler.  Harley lowers her rifle, feeling a touch of envy, as she notes how Ivy’s skillfully applied makeup complements the soft green glow of her skin.  Ivy’s garment, a shoulder-less bodysuit composed entirely of large leaves, wraps perfectly around every curve of her voluptuous body.  Her opulent breasts jiggle slightly with each step and appear only a hair’s breadth from spilling over her top.   Ed strides beside her, like the cock of the walk, his head held high and a gentle smirk playing across his lips.  The green fabric, of his expertly tailored suit, hugs his body in all the right places.  His silk shirt glimmers softly in the theater’s lights and is unbuttoned to display the intricate design of the question mark on his chest.  The Joker doesn’t bother to rise from his seat, as he gazes at the couple with thinly veiled disdain.

“I didn’t realize it was Saint Patrick’s Day.” The Joker chuckles.  “Have I missed the parade?  Or are you two just doing an audition?”

“Yes, green is our favorite color.” The Riddler answers as they approach the stage.  “Just one of the many things we have in common.” The Riddler adds, lifting Ivy’s hand and giving it a gentle kiss.  The Joker’s smile grows with a devious glint.

“Yes, Ed, there are things **_we_** have in common.” The Joker says, his eyes fixed on Ivy.  Harley shoots him a confused glance.  He sees it and continues.  “Our monikers, so similar.  If I recall correctly, I chose mine first.  I’ve often wondered what inspired you to choose yours.” The Riddler’s face hardens, as he catches the multiple innuendos in the Joker’s words.  He feels Ivy squeezing his hand.  He takes a deep breath and gives the Joker a huge fake smile.

“Well, I think it’s about time we got this show on the road.  I’ve got a film crew outside, two cameramen and a sound technician.  Do you mind if I bring them in?” The Riddler asks.

“I already have a cameraman.” The Joker says.  “HOPPY!” He hollers.  A short chubby guy with a clown face and an orange suit walks out of the wings onto the stage, carrying a camera.

“The crew wasn’t my idea.” The Riddler shrugs.  “Penguin suggested it.  He said he wanted this to look polished and professional.  The ads will go out internationally.”

“Are you suggesting that Hoppy here is any less than a professional?” The Joker growls, narrowing his eyes.

“I’ve seen you break into enough evening news broadcasts, to say with authority that there’s definitely room for improvement.” The Riddler replies with a smirk.  “Of course, Hoppy can participate.  The more cameras the better.  That way I know there’s always someone filming my good side.” The Riddler adds with a laugh.

“What makes you think you have good side?” the Joker jibes.  He throws up his hands.  “Fine, they can come in, but my guys frisk them first.”

“What, you don’t trust me?” The Riddler asks with a mischievous grin. The Joker leans forward in his seat, capturing Ed with his intense gaze.

“Ed, I would trust you with my deepest, darkest secrets.” The Joker’s voice is soft and oddly sensual.  “If I killed you first and told you after.”  He jovially adds, throwing his head back and bursting into laughter. 

“Ha, Ha, very funny.” The Riddler sneers.  “I’ll go out and bring in the crew.” He quickly turns and heads for the door.  Ivy begins to follow.  Harley jumps from the stage and places a hand on Ivy’s shoulder.

“No, you wait here.  I’ll go with him.  I want to make sure the guys conduct a thorough search.” Ivy’s eyes widen, she’s unaccustomed to the harsh tone of Harley’s voice.  Ivy bites her lip, as she watches the two of them leave.  She continues to watch the door as the minutes tick by.

“Don’t worry she’ll be back.” The Joker teases.  Ivy pivots to face him.  “She always comes back to me.” He adds, his eyes twinkling with glee.

“Don’t be so sure, she’ll wise up to you one day.”

“And you’ll be there waiting with open arms.  I see how you gaze at her.  You forget, I know what desire looks like in your eyes.” There is no anger in the Joker’s words, only certainty.

“You’re delusional.”

“Yes, and homicidal, sociopathic, narcissistic, nihilistic...” The Joker counts off on his fingers, as he casually speaks.  “but not wrong. _”_   Ivy opens her mouth to respond but is distracted by a sound behind her.  The doors open as Harley and the Riddler walk in, followed by three men rolling large black cases toward the stage.

“They’re clean.”  Harley announces.  The technicians reach the stage and begin assembling their equipment.  The Joker watches them as they complete their tasks.  He notices the beads of sweat on the shorter cameraman’s forehead.  The other, taller cameraman isn’t sweating, but he appears to struggle with setting up his equipment.  He notices the mild tremor in the soundman’s hand, as the clips a mike to the Joker’s lapel.  The Joker motions to Hoppy and the man leans toward him.  The Joker whispers, his breath a warm caress on Hoppy’s ear.  The man’s eyes close as he listens, a look approaching ecstasy shining through the heavy greasepaint on his face.  The Joker quits speaking and the man backs away reverently, still bent at the waist.

The Riddler watches the exchange and can only marvel at the effect the Joker has on some people.  The Riddler wonders what was said, as Hoppy steps down from the stage and leaves the auditorium.  _The man is likely a Joker cultist.  One of the many faceless minions the Joker has seeded throughout the city._ Ed surmises.  _Ordinary folk that move almost invisibly around us; the cashier at the grocery, the deliveryman with a parcel, the girl at the counter that hands you your coffee.  No one you’d consider terrifying or dangerous until you understood the lengths, they’d go to please their master._

“I think two cameramen will do.” The Joker says, turning to Ed, who is standing on the other side of the stage.

“Fine.  Then we should get started.” The Riddler turns toward crew.  “Everything ready?” All three crewmen nod.  The Riddler turns to Ivy and she takes center stage, microphone in hand.

“Tonight, two of the planet’s most deadly dealers of death, the Riddler and the Joker, will meet in a battle unlike anything you have ever seen before.” Ivy begins, her voice vibrant and compelling.  Her eyes stare into the cameras with a laser focus none will be able to ignore.  “This will be the fight you waited your entire life to see.  The fight you will not miss.  In one corner we will have the Riddler.” The cameras pan over to Ed, while Ivy continues to speak in the background.  “The infamous Prince of Puzzles, the King of Conundrums, the Master of Mysteries—" Harley steps up, snatching the microphone from Ivy’s hand.

“And in the other corner we will have the JOKER.” Harley announces glaring at the cameramen until they turn to the Joker.  “The indisputable Clown Prince of Crime, the Monarch of Mayhem, the Deity of Destruction."  The Joker rises from his throne, facing the cameras, his smile displaying a frightening number of teeth.

“This will not be a mere battle.” The Joker warns, his words vibrating with drama and showmanship, as his eyes shine insanely.  “It will be a bloodbath…and the Riddler will be my tub.”  He looks up, dramatically sniffing at the air.  “Is that fear I smell?” He grins, turning to the Riddler.  The Joker lifts a hand to his mouth, chuckling.  “Oops, that’s not just fear, I think Riddles has peed himself.”  Ed reacts with a growl, storming across the stage and standing toe to toe with the Joker.

“What you smell is that stinking swamp of sewage you call a brain.” The Riddler snarls, his spittle flying in the Joker’s face.  “But don’t you worry.  You won’t be smelling, seeing, or feeling anything when I slam your face into the canvass and crush your skull like an egg.”

“Such pretty skin.”  The Joker croons, laying his hand on the Riddler’s chest.  “I can’t wait to peel it off and grab the beating red treat inside.”  He purrs, opening his mouth wide and biting the air with a loud clack of his teeth.  “Yum, yum, YUMMY!”  He licks his lips and laughs.

“I’m flattered that you fantasize about using your mouth on me, but the only thing going inside your disgusting piehole will be my foot, when I kick your teeth down your throat.”

“Oh Eddie, you have such a dirty mind.  Did dear old Dad make you use your mouth on him?”  The Joker snickers.  Ed screeches like a banshee and throws a punch.  The Joker weaves and grabs the Riddler by the wrist.  “Now, now, we can’t give the show away for free.” The Riddler throws another punch with his free hand, slamming into the Joker’s jaw.  “Don’t press your luck Ed.” The Joker growls, planting his palms on Ed’s chest and pushing him away.  Ed stumbles back a few steps.  Harley and Ivy rush between the two men, keeping them apart.  Ed smiles, as he sees the Joker wipe a drop of blood from his lips.  Ivy picks up a microphone and walks to center stage.

“Well as you can see, these two can’t wait to tear each other to shreds.  Call your cable operator now and book your order for the fight you do not want to miss!  If the lines are busy, call back until you get through and order this fight.  You do not want to miss it!” Ivy demands, her eyes fixed on the camera.

“CUT” the Riddler yells to the crew.  He throws Ivy a glance, and she reaches into her cleavage. The stage erupts into a furious flurry of activity, as several things happen almost simultaneously. 

Just as Ivy removes her hand, Harley’s foot connects with her head, knocking her to the ground unconscious.  A small sprig of vine falls from her open palm.  Harley throws a small sphere at the vine and it breaks on impact, dousing the sprig with a yellow liquid.  The vine withers and turns black.  Harley quickly searches Ivy for more vines.

The Joker walks up behind Eddie and puts a gun to his head.  Eddie grimaces and raises his hands in the air.

Firefly, who had been waiting in the wings, runs onto the stage and fires three shots at the tall cameraman.  Three projectiles hit the camera man’s chest, instantly growing red.  The fiery hot embers liquefy and begin to branch across the camera man’s body in a random, lacy network.  His clothes melt away as his body reforms into a clumpy mass, resembling a child’s crude clay sculpture.  As the tendrils of liquid heat continue to spread, Clayface’s body starts to break apart and falls to the floor like a heap of rubble. 

Hoppy dashes from the wings and sprints across the stage carrying a large metal canister.  He hops off, landing next to Clayface’s crumbled body.  He opens the canister and scoops up the gravelly-looking pieces of Clayface, tossing them inside the liquid nitrogen-lined canister.  Satisfied that he has collected every bit, he closes the canister and locks it.

“How did you know?” Ed asked the Joker.

“It isn’t hard to figure out what a man will do…when you know his fears and desires.”

“Really?”  Ed scoffed.  “What do I fear?”

“I know you fear facing me one-on-one.  You showed me that during the war.  Putting together a whole army, rather than coming after me yourself.  And you proved it again in the cell, when you were reluctant to remove the barrier.”

“The point of the war wasn’t to kill you.  I needed to make you laugh first.”

“Yes, that’s when you showed me what you most desired. You wanted to show me you could do something that I could not…to prove your superiority.” The Joker chuckled.  “I know you want to best me in front of millions, but at the same time you fear defeat.  Your only logical plan would be to fight someone else and have everyone think it was me.  To do that you needed someone who could impersonate me perfectly.  Clayface was the logical choice and tonight was the logical time to execute your plan.”

“But what about you?  Why do you want to do the fight?  To humiliate me?”

“Why bother, you’re so good at doing that yourself.” The Joker laughs.  “Think of it as a riddle.  I’m sure you can figure it out.”  Both men turn at the sound of Ivy’s moans.  Harley is sitting on the stage, holding Ivy in her arms, stroking her hair.

“You okay Ivy?” Harley whispers.  Ivy looks at her, a dazed expression on her face.  “I’m sorry I had to do that, but I didn’t want Mistah J ta kill ya.”  She pulls Ivy to her feet. “The two of you better get out of here, before Mistah J changes his mind about letting you go.” Ed walks over to Ivy, taking her by the arm.

“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” He tells her, leading her down from the stage.

“W—What happened?” She asks.

“I’ll tell you in the car.  Let’s go.” Ed turns around to the rest of the film crew.  “Grab your gear, it’s time to get outta Dodge.” They both react immediately, almost knocking Ed down in their rush to get to the door.  The Joker walks over to Harley, throwing an arm over her shoulder.

“I like the way you handled Ivy, very smooth.” He tells her with a huge smile.

“Of course, I learned from the best.” She answers, returning his smile.

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Chapter 12

 

“Yes, you did.” The Joker replies, hooking his arm around Harley’s.  He turns to Hoppy, who is standing by the canister patiently waiting for his next order.  “Take the canister and put it in the vault…and that will be all for tonight.” Hoppy nods, running off to fetch a dolly.  He grunts, as he lifts the canister onto the dolly and rolls it away.

“Everything worked out just the way you said it would.” Harley says, a touch of awe in her voice. 

“Of course, it did.  You almost sound surprised.”

“Nah.  Not a bit.” Harley replies with a wave of her hand.  “That Eddie thinks he’s so damn smart, but he can’t hold a candle to you Mistah J.”

“True, but don’t underestimate him; he’s not as stupid as he looks.” The Joker laughs.

 

 

Several hours later, Necker Island, British Virgin Islands…

Selena stands on the balcony staring at the night sky.  _There’re so many stars, far more than I ever see in the Gotham City sky_.  She notes, as the ocean breeze gently fingers her hair _.  And it’s so quiet here, just the soft, relaxing sound of water shushing over the beach.  Nothing like the sounds of Gotham at night…no gunshots, police sirens, screaming, or blaring music.  I should be sleeping like a baby._ She looks over her shoulder and glances at Bruce, sprawled across the bed, fast asleep.  She turns back to the ocean, biting her lip.   _I know why I can’t sleep.  My conscience is keeping me awake.  I told Ivy I would keep Batman from stopping the fight…for a price.  For a cut of the action.  I don’t know why I’m beating myself up over this.  Bruce had already promised that we would go away somewhere together, after the war…just the two of us.  And that was before there were any plans for a fight.  All I did was hold him to his word._

_Hell, I think he needs this break even more than I do.  Something’s troubling him.  Something happened in that penthouse with the Joker and the Riddler.  He says nothing happened, but the fact that the Joker and the Riddler aren’t in Arkham, speaks volumes.  Whatever it is, I’m going to be here for him.  Giving him the time, he needs, to work through it._

“Selena?  Is everything all right?” Bruce groggily asks, looking up at her as he lies on the bed.  Selena walks over to the bed and lays next to him.  She gazes at him, thinking _.  I’m on a beautiful island paradise, in this luxurious villa with this incredibly gorgeous man.  That’s what I should be focusing on._

“Yes, everything’s absolutely perfect.” She says, leaning over capturing his lips in a deep and passionate kiss. 

 

 

Meanwhile, back in Gotham City…

 

The Joker hangs up his phone, thinking.  _Well done, if I do say so myself.  All the pieces of my plan are falling into place.  All’s left is the actual execution and it’s going to be a hoot!_   He throws back his head and cackles wildly, leaning back so far that he nearly topples his desk chair.  He finds that even more hilarious and his insane laughter grows even louder.  He swivels around in his chair at the sound of approaching footsteps.

“Puddin, you still up?” Harley asks, wiping sleep from her eyes.  He jumps from the chair and grabs her by the waist, lifting her off her feet and twirling around.  He stops rotating and puts her down.

“Yes, up and raring to go!” He grins.  “I should thank the guy that tranq’ed me!  Best sleep I’ve had in months.”

There’s a sound of breaking glass coming from the front of the building.  Both simultaneously turn in that direction.  Then look at each other.

“What was that?” Harley whispers.  The Joker places an index finger to his lips, grabbing his revolver from its holster with his other hand.  Soundlessly, he walks from his office.  Harley grabs a gun from his desk drawer and follows.  They silently make their way down the narrow corridor leading to the street side of the building.  The Joker walks forward, Harley walks backwards behind him; guarding their rear.  They reach the large room in the front of the building.  The Joker stops at the entrance, his eyes scanning the darkened room.  One of the front windows, facing the street, has been broken.  Glass litters the floor and in the middle of the debris, there's a brick with paper wrapped around it.  There’s no one there.  Harley flicks on the light switch.

“What the hell!” Harley cries, running to the broken window pane and looking out.  The Joker walks over to the brick, squatting down and looking at it carefully.  Satisfied that it’s just a brick, he picks it up and removes the sheet of paper tied around it.  Harley runs to his side, looking over his shoulder as he reads it.

“I can be soft as fresh dough or hard as a brick.

I am the feet of the idol, when you find he is sick.

I’m a surface for play, but I can be quite slick.

I have many roles, just take your pick.” Harley reads aloud.  She stares at the two happy face stickers, stuck on the bottom of the note.

“That obsessive-compulsive little twit has the audacity to send me a riddle!”  The Joker sneers, crushing the note into a ball.  “Here’s what I think of your riddle!” He hisses, spittle spraying from his lips, as he throws the crumpled paper to the floor and stomps on it.  “As if I would ever need a clue to figure out one of his stupid schemes.” The Joker begins pacing the floor, his downturned lips pressed into a thin red line.  Shaking his fists in the air, the Joker begins to rant.  “That competitive little creep, the fact that I’m the number one villain in Gotham is eating him alive.  Hell, he started the damn war just to show me up!  Wanted to prove he could make me laugh, when I couldn’t.  Well, he failed then and he’s going to fail again.”

“He started the war?” Harley asks.  “Everybody said you started it.”

“Yes, that’s what he led everyone to believe.  He goaded me into shooting him, so it would look like I made the first move.  He even tricked Batman into buying his lies.” He turns to Harley, the anger drained from his face and replaced by an odd melancholy, she wasn’t used to seeing.  “Batman chose him.  Chose him over me.”

“Well, that’s logical if you think about it.” Harley says, instantly regretting her words, as she sees the fire jump to the Joker’s eyes.  “I-I mean,” she stammers, “it’s like you said.  You’re Gotham’s number one villain.  Taking you down would be his first priority, because you’re the biggest threat.  If he took your side in the war, sure, he’d vanquish the Riddler, but he’d still have to deal with you.  It’s like chess, why would you take a bishop, if it could stop you from seizing the king.”

“You make a good point.  It’s just he…” The Joker’s voice falters, then he catches himself, his face hardening.  “no sense crying over spilt milk. There’s something I need to check.” The Joker turns to leave the room.

“But what about the riddle?” Harley asks, pointing to the rumpled paper on the floor.

“I already figured it out and it wasn’t exactly a news flash.” The Joker says, as he walks down the hall to the stairway.  As she hears his footsteps retreating down the hall, Harley bends over and picks up the piece of paper.  _Why are there two happy faces?  Does that represent me and the Joker?_   She wonders, dropping the note and following him down the stairway.

They stop at the next landing of the stairwell.  The Joker looks up at the ceiling, he frowns as he looks at the very realistic looking, but artificial cobweb in the corner where the two walls meet.  He placed that there after Hoppy had left and it doesn’t appear to have been disturbed.  He digs into his pocket, pulling out a joy buzzer.  Harley sees what he’s doing and retreats up the stairs.  The Joker follows her upward and touches the wall with the buzzer.  There’s a loud BZZZT!  A portion of the wall slides open and a hail of bullets erupts from the opening in a downward trajectory, spraying down the stairwell.  The Joker scratches his head.  _This booby trap can only go off once without being reset and I set it right after Hoppy left.  I’ve never told Hoppy about this failsafe.  He’s not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, I doubt he figured it out how to disable it by himself.  But Ed, hmm, that’s another story.  I need to check the vault._

The Joker walks back down the stairs and walks through the opening in the wall.  Harley stays where she is, peering downward anxiously.  The Joker enters a small room, turning on the light and sniffing the air.  There are no lingering smells.  The vault is nearly half the room’s size and he reaches it in one step.  He scrutinizes it and doesn’t see any signs of tampering.  There’s a slight indentation shaped like a hand on the door.  He sticks his thumb on the middle finger of the hand.  A green light flicks on above the handprint.  He presses his index finger on the thumb of the indentation and a second green light comes on.  He presses his ring finger on the pinky and the third light comes on.  There is a click as the safe disengages.  He stands to the side of the vault and opens the door.  There’s a loud hiss, as a cloud of joker venom surges out of the vault.  He reaches inside and pulls out the canister.  It’s very heavy.  He unlocks the heavy steel ring securing the top of the container and quickly glances inside.  A blob-like Clayface is frozen inside.  He hurriedly recloses the canister and secures the lock.  Harley walks into the small room.

“Is he still in there?” She asks, pointing to the canister.

“Yeah.” He answers distractedly, as he rubs his chin.  _The lines of the riddle all referred to clay.  Add the smiley face at the bottom and you get Clayface, right?_   He ponders.  _Unless, the real point of the riddle was to spur a reaction.  To make me do what I just did.  Show him every damn booby trap and failsafe I had protecting the vault!_   “That bastard!” The Joker growls, pounding his fists on his thighs.

“What is it Puddin?”  Harley asks softly, making sure she’s standing out of his reach.  _Best not to be too close to him, when he gets like this._

“Bring me the bug detector.”  He demands, ignoring her question.  “First, turn off all the cell phones, and the wi-fi too.” He adds, his eyes scanning the walls and ceiling.  His sees a small glint of light reflecting on the wall near the ceiling.  He pulls out his gun and fires, hitting it dead on.  “Take that bitch!” He sneers.

 

Just a few blocks away…

“That Hoppy got the camera placement perfect.”  The Riddler says, as he’s sits in the passenger seat of Ivy’s car looking at his laptop.

“Of course, I gave him very specific instructions.” Ivy replies, looking over Edward’s shoulder at the laptop screen.  “Uh oh!” She gasps, seeing the Joker pointing his gun directly at them through the screen.  There’s a loud boom and the picture on the screen dissolves into nothing but flicks of gray snow.

“Perfect!” the Riddler smiles.

 

 

The following morning in Chicago…

Lucia Viti groaned, as she stared out the window of her limo at the lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic on the expressway heading to O’Hare Airport.

“I hate they closed Meigs Field.  It was so much easier getting there from downtown.  Traffic to O’Hare is always a nightmare.” Lucia says with a frown.  Mary, her ‘personal assistant’, pats her thigh giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Can I fix you a drink?” Mary asks.

“No, that’s all right.  I’ll just try to catch a few Z’s.  Wake me up when we get there.” Lucia sighs, leaning against Mary and closing her eyes.

“Will do.” Mary replies with a smile, wrapping an arm around Lucia.  Mary feels her phone start to vibrate and she pulls it from her pocket.  As she listens to the voice on the other end of the line, a frown forms on her beautiful face.  She converses with the caller in hushed tones.  Mary ends the call, throwing the phone down on the seat.  Lucia looks up at her worriedly.

“What’s up?”

“That was as Anthony Lakes’ wife.  He’s in the hospital.  He was in a car accident.”

“My pilot, Tony?  Is he going to be all right?”

“He was banged up pretty bad, but the doctors say he should pull through.  But he’s in surgery and won’t be able to fly us to Gotham City today.”

“Sorry to hear that, Tony’s a good guy.  So, now my plane doesn’t have a pilot.  Can we get someone else?”

“She said Tony suggested another pilot before he went in surgery.  A guy called John White.  She says he has years of experience and the only reason he’s available is because the flight he was going to pilot today was canceled.  Do you want to go with him?  Getting another pilot at such short notice…”

“Well, I guess if Tony recommended him; it’ll be all right.” 

“OK, I’ll call Mrs. Lake back and let her know.  She said she could make all the arrangements and have White meet us at the Airport.”

“Yes, call her.  I need to be in Gotham.  Things are falling apart there.  Uncle Carmine dead, and my cousins’ lives turned upside down; Mario deported to Italy, Alberto in the crazy house, and Sofia in a wheelchair.   The Falcone family has lost control of most of Gotham’s crime lords.  The city’s been taken over by a bunch of costumed freaks.  The once great Falcone Family Empire, which controlled Gotham City for generations, is little more than rubble in the dust.  Sofia needs me.”

 

Back in Gotham City…

The Penguin is sitting at his desk clicking around with his mouse, as Two Face and Mr. Freeze look over his shoulder at the large monitor on his desk.

“Look at that!” Penguin exclaims, pointing to a number displayed on the flat screen.  “It’s been less than an hour since the new promo for the fight went on air and orders are already over 12,000,000.  That’s new record for a pay per view event!” The number on the screen continues to increase, as additional orders are made.

“Thirteen million!  This is unbelievable.  Look how quickly the number is going up.” Two Face says, his eyes glued to the screen.

“I believe we have Ivy to thank for that.” Mr. Freeze says.  “I must say I’m impressed.  I had no idea her ability to persuade would work this well on video.”

“Yes gentlemen, we will all be making a lot of money.” Penguin says sitting back in his chair.

“If both Joker and Riddler show up.” Two face says, the lips on one side of his face forming a hard line.  “I think there’s a good chance the Riddler will show, but the Joker?  He’s the big wild card.  Have you even spoken to him?”

“No, but he did make the video.  Not sure why he would’ve bothered with that if he wasn’t planning on following through.” Penguin says.

“Maybe he thinks it would be funny, to have millions of people sitting in front of their TVs for a fight that won’t happen.  And we all know, he’ll do anything for a laugh.” Two Face groans.

“I suspect the Joker relishes an opportunity to be seen by millions of people.  Especially when all eyes will be trained on him.” Mr. Freeze suggests.

“No one can deny that the man loves attention.  I don’t think he’s ever had an audience as large as the one he’ll have tonight.  A worldwide audience, no way he’ll miss that.” Penguin declares.

“Vegas has set the odds at 5 to 1 that the Joker will win.” Two Face interjects, changing the subject.  He knows when he’s lost an argument.

“They may be underestimating the Riddler.  The Joker has a fast body, but Eddie has a faster mind.” Mr. Freeze says.

“Lot of good that will do him in hand to hand combat.  He won’t be throwing punches with his cerebellum.” Two Face replies.

“Well, we’ll all find out tonight.” The Penguin states flatly, rising from his chair.  “If you gentlemen will excuse me, there’s still a lot I need to do before the fight.” The Penguin walks both men to his office door, shutting and locking it behind them.  He lifts his desk phone and places a call.  “Bruno, I’d like to put $500,000 on Riddler for tonight’s fight.  Needless to say, discretion is required.  No one must know, I’m the one placing this bet.  I’ll wire you the money within the hour.”

 

Several hours later, less than 100 miles from Gotham City, at a cruising altitude of 30,000 feet…

 “Ladies and gentlemen,” the pilot announces from the cockpit speakers.  “We will be preparing for descent shortly and I’m expecting a bit of bumpy air on the way down.  Please stow all personal items in a secure location.  All food and drink items should be covered and put away.  I’d hate for anyone to arrive in Gotham City looking like a messy eater.  Or worse yet, looking like they couldn’t make it to the potty in time because a drink has spilled in their lap.”

“Sounds like our pilot thinks he’s a comedian.” Lucia whispers to Mary with a short laugh.

“Thinks is the operative word.” Mary replies with a smirk, getting up to gather the glass items and foodstuff from their table.  After she finishes, she walks down the aisle to check on the other four passengers to ensure they follow the captain’s instructions.  The Beechcraft King Air 350i aircraft, which normally seats nine, has been retrofitted to remove the two front seats to add tables.

Mary holds a plastic bag as three of Lucia’s four-man security detail, toss their trash inside.  She watches, impatiently tapping her foot, as the fourth, Maury, guzzles down his beer.  He gives her a sheepish smile as he tosses the empty bottle in the bag.  She notes the anxiety written across Billy’s face and places a hand on his shoulder giving it a light squeeze.  Billy’s known for his fear of flying and hearing the pilot’s announcement only adds to his unease.

“We’ll be on the ground before you know it.” She tells him.  The plane jerks and Mary almost loses her balance. Paul quickly jumps from his seat to steady her.  “Thank yo—” She starts, as the pilot's voice breaks in.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the seatbelt light is on.  Now get your butt in your seat and strap in, this ride is about to get funnnnn!”  The pilot merrily sings.  The plane lurches, causing Paul and Mary to stagger.  Paul holds her tighter. 

“Where the hell did you guys find this new pilot?  He’s a real piece of work.  He needs to stop with the wisecracks and focus on flying this plane straight.”  Paul growls, taking the garbage from her and handing it to Billy.  Billy quickly shoves the bag under a seat, silently praying as he fastens his seat belt.  “Let me help you to your seat.” Paul offers, Mary nods.

“Thanks.” Mary says, her hand on her temple, as they walk toward the front of the plane.  Mary gets to her seat and looks across the aisle at Lucia, who has a pained expression on her face and a white-knuckled grip on her arm rest.  “You OK?” Mary asks.

“I’ll be fine once I get off this damn plane.  My ears are hurting, and my head is killing me.” Lucia moans.  Mary’s eyes widen at her response _.  I feel exactly the same way._   The plane jerks again and Mary hurriedly fastens her seat belt.  Lucia pulls an airsickness bag from the side pocket on her seat.  There's a shared gasp, throughout the cabin, as oxygen bags drop from the ceiling and land in the passenger’s laps.  Mary quickly grabs her oxygen bag, as she lifts it, she notices the hose dangling downward.  _Oh my God the hose has been cut!_   She realizes.  She turns to Lucia.  Lucia is holding the mouthpiece in one hand and the unattached hose in the other.  Lucia stares at the device, a calm and dreamy look on her face.  Mary opens her mouth to speak to her, but she can’t seem to get any air.  _LUCIA!_ Her mind (her heart) screams.   Her hand reaches out, then falls as her body slumps motionless into her seat.

“What the hell is this!” Maury yells, waving the useless oxygen bag in the air.  He unfastens his seat belt, jumping from his seat and storming up the aisle toward the cockpit. 

Paul sees Maury get up.  He attempts to stand and follow him.  But he can’t get up, something’s holding him down on the seat.  _Oh, the seatbelt._  He realizes and starts to laugh.  His thoughts float in and out of his head; there one moment and gone the next.   _Now what was I trying to do?_   Paul wonders.  _Oh, the seatbelt, that’s It._

“Dis damn ting!” He slurs, as he tries to open the buckle.  His fingers feel like sausages and he can’t quite remember how the buckle works and pounds on it with his fist.  His arms are so heavy, every movement like wading through a thick sludge.  He falls back into his seat, gasping for air.

Maury makes it halfway down the aisle when the plane lurches again.  He loses his footing and falls sideways, his thigh slamming painfully against the table.  Dizzy and unable to regain his balance, he lands in the middle of the aisle and the oxygen bag slips from his limp fingers.  All six passengers are unconscious.

In the cockpit, Carl (AKA John White) is humming a song that’s been stuck in his head all morning.  He likes the way the oxygen mask on his face, distorts the sound; making it deeper and more ominous.  He glances up at the overhead panel. The passenger oxygen light flicks on, indicating the oxygen bags have deployed.  He’d set the cabin pressurization system to manual and dialed it down; preventing it from automatically increasing to compensate for the plane’s high altitude.  He looks at the navigation system and smiles.  _Time to start descent._

 


	13. Chapter 13

 

Chapter 13

Penguin’s office, in the old rooming house…

Penguin lifts his phone only to be interrupted by the sound of knocking at his office door.  Penguin grimaces, placing the phone back on the hook and thinking.  _What now?_

“Boss, the Riddler’s here to see you.” One of his henchmen announces.

“Fine, show him in.” Penguin growls.  _What the hell does he want?_ Penguin wonders, opening the desk drawer that contains his revolver.  He doesn’t reach for it, but he wants it handy.  The door opens and Edward Nygma walks in with an anxious look on his face, as he looks around and sees that they are the only two in the room.

“Where’s Ivy?” Ed asks, frowning.

“She is your paramour, not mine.  How should I know?  Why are you here?” Penguin sneers.

“She texted me to meet her here.  She said Joker’s planning to sabotage tonight’s event.  We have to stop him.” Ed says, pounding his fists down on Oswald’s desk.  Oswald rolls his eyes.

“Is that all she said?  Anything more specific?” Oswald asks, narrowing his eyes.  Then he looks up in surprise, as Harvey walks in.

“Oswald, I got your text.” Harvey announces, giving Ed a sideways glance.

“What text?  I didn’t text you.” Oswald replies, standing up.  Ed’s eyes go wide.

“It’s a trap!  Get out!” Ed exclaims, pushing Two-Face to the side, in his mad dash out the door.

“He’s right!” Oswald says, his rotund frame moving with startling speed, as he heads out the office pulling Harvey along.  “Hurry, we need to get out of here!” He makes his way for the front door, telling a henchman.  “We need to evacuate the building!  NOW!  EVERYBODY OUT!” He yells, following Harvey out the open door. 

Ed, Harvey, and Oswald are all running down the sidewalk, when Ed stops, distracted by a loud roaring sound.  He looks up, his mouth falling open at the sight of an aircraft in a downward trajectory, heading straight for them. 

“HOLY SHIT!” He screams, scooting under a parked car.  Oswald and Harvey dive for cover, a stream of henchmen still running from the building.  Within seconds, the sound of a thunderous crash reverberates throughout the entire the area as the plane hits the rooming house.  A gigantic explosion follows, smoke, flames and intense heat mushroom out; blackening the air.

Eddie screams in agony, as the noise of the explosion stabs his eardrums like an ice pick’s cruel spike.  Before he can close his mouth, a wave of scorching heat slams into his body, singeing one side of his clothes.  Debris begins raining down…bricks, glass, wood, maybe even the kitchen sink.  Even with his hands over his ringing ears, he can hear the rubble crashing, slamming, bombarding the rocking car he hides beneath.  The filthy choking air invades his nose and mouth, as he buries his face in the crook of his elbow and wonders if he’s already died and gone to hell.

                                                                                        

On the roof of a high-rise, less than four blocks away... 

The Joker is sitting in a lawn chair, staring through binoculars, as the plane crashes into the building.  He stands up, clapping his hands, his wide smile bright enough to be seen a mile away. 

“YES!  Perfect landing!  Right on money!” He shouts. “Can’t understand why the FAA revoked Carl’s license.  The man has a gift!”  He adds, turning to Harley, who’s sitting in a chair beside him.

“Don’t cha mean _had_ a gift?”  Harley cracks, twirling her ponytail around her finger.  “How’d ya talk the guy into the whole kamikaze thing?”

“His plan was to bail from the aircraft before it hit the ground.” Joker explains.  “But I had his parachute replaced with a giant ‘ _THE JOKE’S ON YOU…Hardy Har Har HARD!’_  banner.  No point blowing up a whole city block without a punchline.” _No point if he doesn’t show up._   Joker silently adds, gazing down at the chaos beneath him _.  Where is he?_

Harley stands up and approaches the Joker. She looks down at the slowly dispersing cloud of black smoke and notes that less than half a block was flattened by the plane, but she doesn’t bother to mention that.  Instead she snuggles against his body. 

“Mmmm, all this mass destruction is getting me hot.” She purrs, her hand moving to his crouch.  The Joker looks down at her hand and lifts it.

“Later baby, I’m in training.  I’ve got a fight tonight, remember?”

“Wait, how are you going to fight Eddie if he’s dead?”

“Who needs Eddie when we’ve got Clayface.  But first, we need to pay another little visit to Jervis, just to make sure Clayface sticks to the script.”

“Oh, I get it.” Harley nods.  “Brilliant plan, Puddin!”

“Did you expect anything less?”

“Not from you Mistah J.  You put the Golly ‘G’ Whiz in genius!” Harley gushes, slipping her arm in his.

“I’m surprised the Bat hasn’t shown up yet.” The Joker mumbles, staring down at the wreckage.

“Oh, you’ll have to worry about him Puddin.  He’s not even in Gotham.”

“Where is he?” The Joker snarls, grabbing Harley by the chin and forcing her to face him. 

“Well uh,” Harley sputters, as she realizes she said too much.  “I promised Selena I wouldn’t tell—”

“TELL ME!” He yells at her, his hand now around her neck…

 

Meanwhile half a block away from the pile of rubble, formerly known as the old rooming house…

Penguin hunches down with Two-Face under his sizable bulletproof umbrella.  Luckily, they were able to find a little alcove, near the entrance to a garden apartment and just below street level, to ride out the devastation.  As the sounds of falling fragments begin to settle down, both men get to their feet.  Two-Face groans at the effort, pulling a knife sized shard of wood from his calf.  Penguin closes his umbrella and uses it to knock debris aside and make a path up the short concrete staircase to street level.  Two-Face limps up the stairs behind Penguin. 

They reach the sidewalk and see the Riddler shimmying from under a parked car with a busted windshield and more dents and dings than they can count.  The Riddler stands up, brushing off his ruined beyond repair suit.  He looks up and sees his fellow rogues looking shell-shocked as they approach the wreckage.  He walks up to Penguin and grabs him by the shoulders, forcing him to face him. 

“FUCK THE FIGHT!  I’M KILLING THAT CRAZY CLOWN!” Ed yells. Penguin bristles at the contact, shaking him off and giving the taller man and a hard glare.

“GET IN LINE!” Two-Face hollers back.

“Gentlemen, let’s take this conversation to a more private locale.” Penguin cautions, his eyes darting around at the rapidly increasing crowd of onlookers gathering around the crash site.  “He probably thinks we’re dead and I’d prefer he keeps thinking that.  Until I put a bullet between his eyes, that is.” Penguin sneers.  “Anybody got a vehicle nearby that still running?” Eddie glances at the debris covered, battered wreck he’d double parked in front of the rooming house and looks down shaking his head.  He’d loved that car.  One of his favorites, they’d been through a lot together.

“For once, I’m glad parking around here is a nightmare.”  Two-Face says, pointing down the street.  “I’m on the next block.” Oswald and Ed share a look, both knowing which side of the Harvey’s coin chose a legal parking space, a block away.  All three men reflexively tense at the sound of police and fire truck sirens echoing in the distant background.

“Let’s get out of here.” Penguin growls, yanking Two-Face by the arm and swiftly heading for his car.  Ed spares a last look at his old four-wheeled friend and sighs, turning to follow the other two men.  They get in Harveys car, Penguin riding shotgun and Ed stretching out in the backseat.  Ed places a hand on Two-Face’s shoulder.

“Let’s go to Robinson Park, I need to check on Ivy.  If Joker’s got her phone…” Ed’s voice trails off. 

“He might have her.” Penguin mumbles under his breath, completing Ed's thought.                                                                                        

 

Necker Island, British Virgin Islands…

Selena readjusts the bags in her arms, pulls the cardkey from her purse, and taps the sensor on the villa’s door.  They were planning to return to Gotham tomorrow, and she had stopped by one of the resort’s gift shops to pick up souvenirs for Ivy and Harley. 

She knows things have changed the moment she opens the door.  Bruce is on the telephone and the TV is playing.  There were rules to this little getaway, the cardinal ones being no phones, no TV.  She glances at the television screen and immediately recognizes the scene being broadcast on the 24-hour news network.  _Gotham!_   She walks closer, her eyes riveted to the image of cataclysmic destruction on display.  The banner on the bottom of the screen announces more than a dozen deaths and many more injured.  She turns around at the sound of Bruce’s voice behind her.

“Thank you, Alfred.  I’ll see you this evening.” He says, placing the phone back on the hook and glancing up at Selena.  “I’ve got to get back to Gotham.” He states, the tone of his voice leaving no room for debate.  Selena nods.  The holiday is over.  Bruce is gone and Batman has work to do. 

“I’m coming with you.” Selena dumps the bags of souvenirs into a suitcase. “I’m going to freshen up and change, OK?”  It’s a reasonable request since she's wearing a bikini with a wrap tied around her waist, but that wasn’t why she asked.  The look on his face as he nods, compels her to add.  “I’ll make it quick.” He’s already throwing things into a suitcase. 

She goes into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.  _I need to let Ivy know we’re coming back_.  She turns on the shower.  She’s unsure of how the conversation will go and doesn’t want to be overheard.  She pulls her phone from her purse and places the call.  Her jaw drops and pulse quickens, as she hears the voice on the other end.

“Hello Selena.” The Joker drawls.  “Are you ready to bring our big boy back home?  I’m sure he doesn’t want to miss all the fun.”

“Where’s Ivy?” Selena hisses, her grip on the phone so tight that her knuckles go white.

“You’ll find out when you bring him back.” The Joker teases with a soft chuckle, disconnecting the call.  Selena exhales loudly, letting loose the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding _.  I can change on the plane_.  She decides, shutting off the shower and rushing from the bathroom.

 

Around an hour later, near a small cottage on the outskirts of Gotham City…

Harley skips down the stone pathway, leading to the quaint little cottage, with a childlike exuberance befitting the Alice in Wonderland costume she is wearing.  Her short-short baby blue dress is cinched at the waist with a white ribbon, tied in a bow at the back.  Her skirt bounces with every step revealing quick glimpses of her white ruffled panties.  The Joker walks several paces behind her, noting how well her white knee highs and black patent leather baby doll shoes compliment her girlish look.  _Perhaps, I’ll have her put that outfit back on tonight, after the fight._ He muses.

Instead of taking the path that leads to the front door, Harley takes a right down the path to the back yard, which is hidden behind a high wooden fence.  She knows this is Jervis’ favorite special place.  She reaches the tall gate and the gives it three hearty taps.

“Mr. Hatter, sir, are you there?” Harley asks, the slightest hint of a giggle in her voice.  Hurried footsteps can be heard approaching on the other side of the gate. 

“Alice, my dear Alice!  Is that you?” Jervis sings with excitement, throwing open the gate.  Harley steps in and it’s like entering a fairy tale world…Wonderland.  A profusion of greenery and flowers of every conceivable hue grace the spacious grounds.  Tall trees with odd sloping branches give shade to an astounding assortment of mushrooms, some no higher than your ankle and others taller than a man on tippy toes.  Jervis’ huge smile drops, as he notices the Joker standing behind Harley.

“I see you’ve brought the Cheshire cat.” The Hatter groans, taking Harley by the hand and leading her pass a long table with tea, deserts, and a dozen settings.  Harley grabs a bit of pastry from the table as she follows him.  He stops behind an over-sized mushroom, half-hidden behind the plant’s colorful cap, as he casts a furtive glance at the grinning pale man.  Hatter whispers to Harley.  “If he smiled much more, the ends of his mouth might meet behind, and then I don't know what would happen to his head! I'm afraid it would come off!”  At his words, Harley looks back at Joker and catches a hint of a sneer in his smile as he stares at Jervis.

“Perhaps it is your own head you should be more concerned with.” Harley cautions, snatching off his top hat and removing the thin metal, mind control band from its inner lining.  She tosses the circular band to her tall, pale companion and he deftly catches it with one hand.  Harley places the top hat on her head and turns back to Jervis.  “Where is the Red Queen?” She inquires, her voice no longer playful and whimsical.  Jervis looks up at her, his eyes wide and lips trembling.

“Th—this way.” He stutters, pointing back toward the cottage.  He scampers away, she’s close at his heels.  They travel a dozen yards and go behind a tall hedge of bushes.  In the shade of a gigantic mushroom, Ivy is sitting on a blanket, sniffing a single red rose. 

“Your majesty,” Harley addresses, “come, it is time for you to return to the palace.”   Ivy doesn’t move, her eyes unfocused and mouth slack.  She holds the rose under her nose, softly inhaling, as if nothing else exists in her world.

“She will only obey the holder of the band.” Jervis explains.  The Joker walks up, the mind control band sitting atop his head like a crown.  He stands in front of Ivy and extends his hand down to her.

“Come.” He commands.  Ivy looks up at him with a vacant stare.  She takes his hand and stands.  “That’s my Vee.” He purrs.  She nods, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder.

“My Jo Jo.” She whispers, tightening her embrace, her body flush against his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to the immensely talented J. Scott Campbell for the artwork!

**Author's Note:**

> I'd love to hear your comments. I get all warm and goey when I get them. Please help warm me up. Love y'all!


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